By Eric Emery

For the third consecutive year, the Emery household shall host a Super Bowl party. I haven’t handed out questionnaires after each party, but I’m confident that the first two were major successes. And that’s not just because of the results of the games (Steelers won, Bears lost). I take great effort to provide a full interactive experience for my guests. It’s more than having a good TV and ample beer supply. It’s the little things that help make the party successful. Here are my keys to a successful Super Bowl party.
1. Divide the room according to allegiance. Give duties and gifts to each side:
* New York fans required to make 9/11 comments at every possible opportunity. New England fans required to recall various occasions meeting the Kennedys.
* New England fans get help pawking their caws. New York fans get help stealing those cars.
* New York fans receive pre-game phone call from Phil Simms. New England fans receives pre-game phone call from Steve Grogan.
* After each touchdown, the scored-upon side must remind their rivals that their hockey, basketball, baseball, WNBA, and soccer teams still suck.

Read More

Posted on January 31, 2008

By The Beachwood Bureau of Indian Affairs Desk

“Blackhawks weigh new slogan: ‘Commit to the Indian.'”
– Tribune web report
Other ideas under consideration:
The Blackhawks: Degrading American Indians Since 1926
The Blackhawks: Commit To Killing The White Man!
The Blackhawks: Redbloods Rising
The Blackhawks: Loosest Slots!
The Blackhawks: Less Offensive Than Chief Wahoo

Read More

Posted on January 29, 2008

By Jim Coffman

The best thing about living in a big sports town is when the current seasons stink, there are always the off-seasons. And if fans can’t summon optimism about their teams in the off-seasons they should consider a new hobby – knitting perhaps, or crossword puzzles. It is tough in this day and age of sports radio blowhards competing daily to see who can come up with the most bitingly cynical sound-bite (and trying to convince people that the only smart sports fans are the ones who snappily put down most of the folks affiliated with their favorite teams). But the smart (and happy) Chicago sports fan finds ways to accentuate the positive, especially when his team isn’t actually playing games.
And yes, I have met with Pollyanna on several occasions and consider her a close personal friend, but she does not exert undue influence on my decision-making no matter how much she may have donated to my campaign. So where was I? Oh yeah, there is no way baseball fans shouldn’t be looking at the bright side in January.

Read More

Posted on January 28, 2008

By Eric Emery

I attended a Peoria Rivermen hockey game this week. Clearly, the only people who attend hockey games in Peoria are season-ticket holders who all know each other. Two such people were seated near me: A lady to my right and a guy behind me. The lady to my right asked the guy behind me “What happened to your arm?” My first thought: “I slipped on some ice” or “I hurt it at work.” The actual answer: “I was jumped by four guys in Pekin.”
The funny thing, though, was how he left out all the details about what really happened.
I do wish I could be everywhere at once, so I could have heard all the other interesting conversations from last week’s games. Here are my best guesses as to what those were – and what information was missing.
*
From Lambeau Field
Missed Quote: “Wow, it’s cold out here!”
Missing Information: The only thing he was wearing was a brandy flask.
Missed Quote: “Holy crap, Eli Manning?”
Missing Information: This was said yesterday by still-stunned Packers fans.
Missed Quote: “Dear God. I know that I don’t pray often, but if you could, please make the Giants kicker miss for the third time.”
Missing Information: Bill Belichick is God, and He’d rather play the Giants.

Read More

Posted on January 24, 2008

By Jim Coffman

The best part of the NFL playoffs has been watching the game-throwers go down. The teams that gave away games in the last week or two of the regular season in a misguided effort to rest key contributors, and therefore better prepare for the playoffs, fell hard and fast. The prime offenders were the Colts and the Buccaneers. The Cowboys didn’t exactly kill themselves in their last pre-playoff game, but at least the legitimate injuries suffered previously by stars Tony Romo and Terrell Owens justified their sitting out either part (the former) or all (the latter) of their 27-6 loss to the Redskins. Then again, maybe they should have tried a little harder to compete in that last game considering their premature playoff demise.
The Colts’ loss to the Titans in their regular season finale was scandalous, and its particulars were scandalously under-reported by major sports media in all its forms (ESPN, prominent sports sections, most-visited sports web sites). First of all, no one characterizes these games properly. When a team substitutes a totally inept back-up quarterback for a perfectly healthy starter with a significant amount of time left in a close game, that team is throwing the game. Perhaps starker terminology might wake up the offenders.

Read More

Posted on January 21, 2008

By Eric Emery

Beachwood Labs has crunched the numbers and come up with four possible Super Bowl match-ups and their predictable media storylines. Let’s take a look.
*
Matchup: New York Giants vs. New England Patriots
Storyline: The Battle of New England! Er, The Battle of the Northeast! Boston vs. New York! Er, New Jersey vs. Foxboro! The rest of the country doesn’t care.
Matchup: Green Bay Packers vs. New England Patriots
Storyline: It’s “down-home, folksy wisdom” vs. “elitist liberal dogma.” It’s Red State Wisconsin (if you don’t count Madison) vs. Blue State Massachusetts (if you don’t count Romney). It’s the Best Two Quarterbacks Ever (if you don’t count Unitas, Marino, Elway or Montana). It’s Cheese vs. Beans! It’s Dreamy vs. McDreamy.

Read More

Posted on January 16, 2008

By Eric Emery

If the NFL playoff teams were presidential candidates . . .
Team: New England Patriots
Candidate: Barack Obama
Punditry: Tom Brady is the pretty face on a team loaded with veterans of the same old cynical football strategies. Meet the new boss.
*
Team: San Diego Chargers
Candidate: Bill Richardson
Punditry: Looks great on paper, but not so much on the big stage.

Read More

Posted on January 10, 2008

By Marty Gangler

The Cubs woke up Christmas morning to find a new right fielder under the Christmas tree with a funny name. It was just what they asked Santa for, a Fukudome. Which is pronounced, FUCK YOU – DO – ME. Well actually, that is probably not how it’s pronounced but it’s the only way I can sound it out in my head, and it makes me laugh. What also makes me laugh is thinking about Old Uncle Lou saying his name. There’s no way he doesn’t screw it up somehow. Anyway, during the off-season I’m sure a lot of you are wondering what some of the beloved North Siders have been doing with their time off the diamond. We here at the Cub Factor would like to speculate on what’s been going on and what these guys have been doing.
Uncle Lou: Lou’s been sitting in his lawn chair drinking Falstaff and kind of rocking back and forth. His old lady swears she’s heard him mumbling, “too many second baseman, too many right fielders, too many second baseman who play right field.”
Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot: They’ve been touring the country together in a small van looking for anyone playing baseball. Then they get in the game and out-hustle everyone.
Mark DeRosa: Word is DeRosa has been taking jobs as a paramedic, janitor, and car salesman in the off-season just to make sure he’s ready to do anything they ask him to do in 2008.

Read More

Posted on January 7, 2008

By Eric Emery

I finally followed through with a lifelong dream (if had been alive for only the last two years): Go see a game at Soldier Field. With friends Darren from L.A., Shannon the Dolphins fan, and Melissa the friend of Darren, I attended my first game at the spaceship. Did I have fun? Did Bears fans Darren and Melissa offer Shannon and I to a mob of raving Bears fans? How are the bratwursts with sauerkraut? Here is my game report.
*
Travel to the Soldier Field
* We drove from northwest fucking suburban Chicago to Melissa’s place, a scant three blocks from Soldier Field. Traffic was very light. We expected a crowd reminiscent of an April game at U.S. Cellular.
* We arrive at Melissa’s earlier than expected. We discover parking for $40. Fuck you, Bears, we have a parking pass! Suck it!
* My breakfast: Coffee before leaving. A beer at Melissa’s. While I’m in the bathroom, I grind up a Lipitor for easy snorting. I need the medication to act fast.

Read More

Posted on January 4, 2008

By Eric Emery

Thankfully, it’s the end of another regular season. Unfortunately, there’s one more tradition for you to suffer through: useless awards given by members of the media. I’m not above the fray, given that I gave out my awards last year, the Toolies. I return again to the fray.
*
The Money Talks, Bullshit Walks Toolie goes to: Bobby Petrino. Upon hiring Petrino before this season, the Falcons forgot to ask for Petrino’s middle name: Woooooooooo, Pig! Sooiee!
Last Year’s Winner: Nick Saban for being the first person in history to flee to Alabama.
The Raving Village Idiot Toolie goes to: Deion Sanders. In defending Michael Vick, Sanders said: “I believe Vick had a passion for dog fighting. I know many athletes who share his passion. The allure is the intensity and the challenge of a dog fighting to the death. It’s like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn’t tap out when he knows he can’t win.” Does this mean we get to match Deion’s throat against a pit bull?
Last Year’s Winner: Dennis Green for crowning a whole bunch of ass.

Read More

Posted on January 3, 2008