By Eric Emery
Thankfully, it’s the end of another regular season. Unfortunately, there’s one more tradition for you to suffer through: useless awards given by members of the media. I’m not above the fray, given that I gave out my awards last year, the Toolies. I return again to the fray.
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The Money Talks, Bullshit Walks Toolie goes to: Bobby Petrino. Upon hiring Petrino before this season, the Falcons forgot to ask for Petrino’s middle name: Woooooooooo, Pig! Sooiee!
Last Year’s Winner: Nick Saban for being the first person in history to flee to Alabama.
The Raving Village Idiot Toolie goes to: Deion Sanders. In defending Michael Vick, Sanders said: “I believe Vick had a passion for dog fighting. I know many athletes who share his passion. The allure is the intensity and the challenge of a dog fighting to the death. It’s like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn’t tap out when he knows he can’t win.” Does this mean we get to match Deion’s throat against a pit bull?
Last Year’s Winner: Dennis Green for crowning a whole bunch of ass.
The Death of a Salesman Toolie goes to: Eli Manning. Eli joins brother Peyton as a Toolie. Why? Because he’s not Peyton
Last Year’s Winner: Peyton Manning and his ability to spend more time shilling than in the huddle.
The George W. Bush Toolie for Excellence in Course-Staying goes to: The NFL Network. For some reason, fans with the wrong cable provider clamored for the NFL Network presentation led by Bryant Gumble and Chris Collinsworth. Even though the NFL capitulated in the final week, the NFL Network keeps the award for keeping Gumble on for whole year. The drunken guy in Section 242 brings more insight and elegance to the game.
Last Year’s Winner: Lovie Smith for “Rex is our quarterback.”
The George W. Bush Toolie for Excellence in Assistant-Selecting goes to: Lovie Smith for hiring defensive coordinator Bob Babich. Smith leads all with his second career Toolie.
Last Year’s Winner: Art Shell for hiring “that guy who used to run the bed and breakfast.”
The Attention-Whore Toolie goes to: Tony Romo. Bringing equally overexposed Jessica Simpson to the luxury box cries for attention. Does she really have to see you play to make her believe you are good? Was Simpson there because she can’t read, so the only way for her to understand is to have her show up? My advice: Don’t suck so she is really impressed. Invite her to the Miami game next year, and tell her “Miami almost had a record for number of wins last year.”
Last Year’s Winner: Terrell Owens’ 17 dropped passes and 17,000 overexposed quotes.
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Crystal Ball
Loyal readers know one thing about Over/Under – my picks stink. But in a limited sample hand-picked by me, even I can succeed! Let’s review.
Atlanta: 7.5 wins
Prediction: Under
Correct: 4 wins
Final analysis: Incidentally, “four” is roughly the number of convictions won by the prosecutor of Vick’s dog-fighting case.
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Cleveland: 6 wins
Prediction: Under
Incorrect: 10 wins
Final analysis: And everybody thought Cleveland native Drew Carey would be the most successful person from Cleveland. Granted, Carey on The Price is Right places him just below this guy.
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Dallas: 9 wins
Prediction: Over
Correct: 13 wins
Final analysis: We are 13 days away from uttering the phrase “The Jessica Simpson Curse.”
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Indianapolis: 10.5 wins
Prediction: Over
Correct: 13 wins
Final analysis: And days way from having New England as 13-point favorites over Indianapolis in the AFC Championship.
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New York Jets: 7.5 wins
Prediction: Over
Incorrect: 4 wins
Final analysis: And don’t ever complain about New England cheating. It will just make them go undefeated.
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Oakland: 5 wins
Prediction: Under
Correct: 4 wins
Final analysis: When it comes to an “Over/Under” bet, always take the “Over” for “Number of diapers soiled by Al Davis.”
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Seattle: 9 wins
Prediction: Over
Correct: 10 wins
Final analysis: Hey! Stay tuned for “It rains a lot in Seattle” and “The Seahawks generally go to the playoffs, yet they usually don’t do much” and other fun facts!
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Tennessee: 7 wins
Prediction: Under
Incorrect: 10 wins
Final analysis: Even though Vince Young appeared on the cover of Madden ’08, the world did not end as Nostradamus predicted.
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My Pittsburgh Steelers: 8.5
Prediction: Way Over
Correct: 10 wins
Final analysis: Behold their first round exit!
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Your Chicago Bears: 10 wins
Prediction: Under by one game
Correct: 7 wins
Final analysis: Behold their first round pick, WR Stinky McBuststein!
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Final Record (7-3)
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Jaguars at Steelers
Storyline: Oh, no! The Jaguars hate Heinz Field. Get them a Kleenex! Then again, the Steelers will be the ones needing a Kleenex by the time Jacksonville runs them off the field.
Reality: The Steelers coaching staff suffers from “Donotadjustitis.” The Jaguars beat them roughly four weeks ago, and it pains me to say, the Jaguars beat them again.
Pick: Jaguars Plus 2 Points, Over 39.5 Points Scored.
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Giants at Buccaneers
Storyline: Oh no! The Giants played New England well, only to come up short. It didn’t help that Eli Manning remembered that he sucks with 12 minutes remaining in the game. Expect to hear “Jeff Garcia is a wily veteran” roughly 242 times.
Reality: The storyline is true. At some point, Eli Manning will remember that he sucks.
Pick: Tampa Bay Minus 3 Points, Over 39.5 Points Scored.
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The UnHyped Games of the Week
– Seattle Minus 3 Points, Under 40.5 Points Scored
– San Diego Minus 9 Points, Over 40 Points Scored
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Results:
Last week: 4-1-1 (1-1-1 Against the Spread, 3-0 Over/Under)
Season: 44-55-1 (18-31-1 Against the Spread, 26-24 Over/Under)
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on January 3, 2008