By Eric Emery
These days, if you capture any part of the American sporting consciousness, you must give an award. Why? Because you want to feel more important than you actually are. For instance, did John Madden’s “All Madden” awards really change the lives of the awarded? Imagine seeing the player’s live-in girlfriend field the call from John Madden himself, then putting her hand over the phone and saying “Honey, you know that really old, bloated, stuttering guy from Ace Hardware? Well, he wants to give you an award.”
So, in other words, these awards mean nothing. If nothing else, the salutations I award below give players and coaches what they deserve – a swift kick in the ass for wasting our time and attention. So without further ado, I present: The Toolies.
The Money Talks, Bullshit Walks Toolie goes to: Nick Saban. Nick sounded so sincere when he said “I’m not coaching Alabama.” What we all missed was him muttering under his breath, “Unless they offer me $32 million and a new car. Then I’ll even memorize the words to their state song.”
The Raving Village Idiot Toolie goes to: Dennis Green. After blowing a 17-point lead to the Bears, Green ranted, “They were who we thought they were!” Yes, and you were who we thought you were too: a nutcase masquerading as an NFL coach. Dennis Green, we hereby crown your ass.
The Death of a Salesman Toolie goes to: Peyton Manning. Celebrities garner credibility if they use the products they hawk – or at least can make us believe they use the products they hawk. We can believe Manning uses DirecTV to keep up on the rest of the league, and we can believe he uses a Sprint cell phone to commisserate with Eli, but we doubt he pays for this stuff – or anything else – with a MasterCard. That would be too priceless.
The George W. Bush Toolie for Excellence in Course-Staying goes to: Lovie Smith. Staying with Rex Grossman has not caused thousands of deaths and waste billions of dollars, but the sleepless nights and burning indigestion of Bears fans has hampered their workplace productivity, increased their phone bills because of all those frantic calls to sports radio, and strained their marriages, which are so delicately balanced on the fortunes of their favorite teams.
The George W. Bush Toolie for Excellence in Assistant-Selecting goes to: Art Shell. With a wealth of available offensive minds on the market, Art Shell selected Tom Walsh to be his offensive coordinator. Walsh’s previoius job: Coordinator of Bed and Breakfast Operations. After that didn’t work out, the Raiders promoted the much-maligned ex-Bear John Shoop to the position. Next? We’re thinking Dennis Green.
The Attention Whore Toolie goes to: Terrell Owens. Even his (17) dropped passes are a call for help.
And now, on to the week’s most over- and under-hyped games.
Over-hyped: New York Giants at Philadelphia
Storyline: NFC East foes meet for a third time. Familiarity breeds contempt.
What They Forget To Tell You: Some teams have coaches the players would take a bullet for. The Giants have Tom Coughlin, and they prefer to use him as a human shield. Doing it for Tiki will not be enough.
Pick: Philadelphia minus 6.5/Over 47
Over-hyped: Dallas at Seattle
Storyline: Veteran coaches meet in NFC Wild Card showdown.
What They Forget To Tell You: Even a brilliant leader like Bill Parcells can’t coach his way out of a major depression. His livelihood is in the hands of a flash-in-the-pan quarterback from Eastern Illinois, a suicidal wide receiver, an offensive line that has started Marc Colombo in every game, and a defense shakier than a Skid Row bum with the DTs. The next time you see Parcells, he’ll be coming to you from the warm confines of a TV booth.
Pick: Seattle minus 3/Over 46.5
Under-hyped: Kansas City at Indianapolis
Storyline: Kansas City’s stellar running game meets Peyton Manning’s arm.
What They Forget To Tell You: Perhaps this has been mentioned, but let me drive the point home. INDY’S DEFENSE STINKS. Then again, Kansas City’s isn’t much better. Which means that while the focus is on the offenses, the team with the least bad defense wins. And that means it’s anyone’s ballgame.
Pick: Kansas City plus 9/Over 50
Under-hyped: New York Jets at New England
Storyline: The student meets the master in AFC East showdown.
What They Forget To Tell You: The student, not the master, is the AFC Coach of the Year. Bill Belichick’s assignment for his team after the game will be “a one-page essay on how we should not have let the New York Jets stay in this game.”
Pick: New York Jets plus 9.5/Under 38
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Last Week: 5-1
Regular Season: 45-52-3
Editor’s Note: If Emery hadn’t been under the mistaken impression early in the season that he had to pick from only those games broadcast in the Chicago area – to better serve you – he’d likely be at or near .500. Considering his horrendous start, his numbers over the second half of the season look pretty impressive. But man, early in the season he sure stank.
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com.
Posted on January 4, 2007