By Eric Emery
Beachwood Labs has crunched the numbers and come up with four possible Super Bowl match-ups and their predictable media storylines. Let’s take a look.
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Matchup: New York Giants vs. New England Patriots
Storyline: The Battle of New England! Er, The Battle of the Northeast! Boston vs. New York! Er, New Jersey vs. Foxboro! The rest of the country doesn’t care.
Matchup: Green Bay Packers vs. New England Patriots
Storyline: It’s “down-home, folksy wisdom” vs. “elitist liberal dogma.” It’s Red State Wisconsin (if you don’t count Madison) vs. Blue State Massachusetts (if you don’t count Romney). It’s the Best Two Quarterbacks Ever (if you don’t count Unitas, Marino, Elway or Montana). It’s Cheese vs. Beans! It’s Dreamy vs. McDreamy.
Matchup: New York Giants vs. San Diego Chargers
Storyline: Eli’s daddy didn’t want him to play in San Diego, so he arranged a draft day trade to the Giants. San Diego then picked Phillip Rivers. Revenge! But what how do you work Billy Volek into the narrative? Simple. He’s an ass too.
Matchup: Green Bay Packers vs. San Diego Chargers
Storyline: Wouldn’t it be great if Brett Favre retired on top? Come on! He is the greatest! If men could carry and nurture a fetus until birth, I’d totally have his baby! Did I mention he is the greatest? On the other hand, how hard is it to beat Billy Volek?
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Chargers at Patriots
Storyline: Why bother? The Patriots are a team of cyborgs sent from the year 2242 to dominate the NFL and retrieve some original parts for Belichick Model 99. On the other hand, Billy Volek.
Reality: This time the storyline is true.
Pick: New England Minus 14 Points, Over 47 Points Scored.
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: New York Giants at Green Bay Packers
Storyline: Can Eli jump out of Peyton’s shadow at lead his team to the Super Bowl? Eli will need to succeed against a resurgent Packers team. A team led by the amazing Brett Favre. Hey! What can we say that hasn’t been said about Brett Favre in the last 15 years? Well, let’s beat that dead horse one more time!
Reality: It’s all about the running backs.
Pick: New York Giants Plus 7, Over 41 Points Scored.
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Results
Last week: 3-3 (1-3 Against the Spread, 3-1 Over/Under)
Season: 51-62-1 (22-35-1 Against the Spread, 30-28 Over/Under)
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on January 16, 2008