By Eric Emery
Last Sunday was a complete wreck. And you know who’s to blame? My friend, Dirty Andy, and his wedding.
You know how people have a weakness for weddings? I have a weakness for getting too drunk at wedding receptions.
So I spent Sunday on the couch mostly asleep, though I did manage to wake up in time to see the Steelers snap that ball over the punter’s head.
If only the NFL could be more like weddings . . .
* Both teams meet the night before to practice the game. Gives each side a chance to decide who they will hit on the next day.
* Go into uniform shop 15 minutes before closing. Give call to the other team’s head coach about the 5XL jersey that was erroneously ordered for the kicker.
* Get to stadium four hours early to talk the best player into not playing today, or for that matter, ever again.
* Worry more about not getting caught picking nose in front of everybody than anything else.
* Bring two fans out of crowd at halftime to make awkward speeches about how much they love their favorite team.
* All players receive rented cleats three sizes too small.
* Starting punter throws the kicking tee into a crowd of special teams players. All players must act completely nuts, punching each other to get possession of the tee.
* Starting RB throws the QB’s wrist band to the opposing defense. The defense is required to seem uninterested in catching it.
* Team receives penalty for screwing up the Cha Cha Slide.
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Cowboys at Giants
Storyline:Don’t say a thing. We’ll just play the theme from Dallas and Sinatra’s New York, New York until your ears bleed.
Reality: It doesn’t matter if the Cowboys march out QB Brad Johnson or Brooks Bollinger, their ears will bleed too.
Prediction: Giants Minus 7.5 Points, Under 41 Points Scored
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Jets at Bills
Storyline: Interstate rivals (Favre) fight for (Favre) division (Brett) position. The Buffalo Bills are not led by QB Brett Favre.
Reality: Usually these teams are fighting over last place, not first. If ex-Bear and current Bills coach Dick Jauron could actually feel any sort of anger, he’d totally drunkenly call Bears management at 2 a.m. following the game and gloat about how he’s led the lowly Bills to a 6-2 record.
Prediction: Buffalo Minus 5.5 Points, Over 42 Points Scored
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Last week’s picks: 2-2
For the season: 18-12-4
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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. He also is a spark plug in floor hockey. You can reach him here.
Posted on October 30, 2008