By Eric Emery
With Halloween just around the corner, you might consider dressing as your favorite team’s mascot. The problem is, however, the mascot may not be indicative or representative of your city. Worse yet, the mascot may represent some archaic person or word that no longer means anything meaningful. To help the fans of the NFL and Halloween, here is the city and some alternate mascot names:
City: Green Bay
Alternative to Packers: The Overweight Triple Bypass Heart Patients
Halloween Costume: A bottle of brandy eating fried cheese curds.
*
City: Nashville
Alternative to Titans: The Guys Who Would Rather Watch NASCAR
Halloween Costume: Beer can, wearing a “These Colors Don’t Run” hat.
*
City: Boston
Alternative to Patriots: The Insufferable Know-It-All Sports Fans
Halloween Costume: Dress as Bill Maher, complete with an arrogant smile.
*
City: Pittsburgh
Alternative to Steelers: Mustached-People Who Only Wear Black And Gold
Halloween Costume: Go as yourself.
*
Cities: Miami, Tampa and Jacksonville
Alternatives to Dolphins, Buccaneers and Jaguars: People Who Can’t Run An Election
Halloween Costume: Go as a ballot so confusing you accidentally voted for Bob Barr.
*
City: Chicago
Alternative to Bears: The 2016 Olympic Hosts
Halloween Costume: An otherwise empty box labeled “promises” with a stack of overdue bills inside.
–
OverHyped Game of the Week: Broncos at Patriots
Storyline: It’s Monday Night Football people! Even those who don’t watch football know that both of these teams are good!
Reality: This game should come with a disclaimer, much like pharmaceutical ads: “Don’t watch this game expecting Tom Brady, good defense, or inspired coaching.”
Prediction: Denver Plus 3, Over 46 Points Scored
*
OverHyped Game of the Week: Chargers at Bills
Storyline: Once Chris Berman stops quoting the Eagles, he’ll say something about how “Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills.” As a result, you’ll be busy cleaning your ears with a butcher knife, hoping you never hear another overused line from Berman again.
Reality: By the time the ER looks at your ears and you get home, you’ll miss a game where Chargers fans use a butcher knife to carve out their eyes so they never see another Norv Turner mismanaged game.
Prediction: Buffalo Plus 2, Under 46.5 Points
–
Last week’s picks: 2-3-1
For the season: 13-7-4
–
Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. He also is a spark plug in floor hockey. You can reach him here.
Posted on October 16, 2008