By Eric Emery
I’m not into reality TV as a whole, but there is one can’t-miss show in the Emery household: The Amazing Race. This show represents quintessential American ugliness at its best: Americans push locals into doing their bidding, harass customer service people to get what they want, breeze through a foreign culture in 24 hours, and partake of activities on a superficial level while believing their behavior is nearly spiritual.
What if we brought a similar brand of reality TV to the NFL? Let’s take a look.
* Rex Grossman tapes his testimonial saying he “totally cannot believe Olin Kreutz didn’t get him the snap.”
* Before scoring a TD, a player has to eat six fish eyes and call his agent on a Bluetooth.
* Running backs are required to balance a pot on their helmet. And play behind the Bears offensive line.
* Visiting players must make their own air travel arrangements. Cutting in line in front of an angry local population is permitted.
* Kickers must not let Devin Hester return the ball, lest they face the wrath of angry gods.
* Holders on field goals and extra points must keep eyes open.
* The NFL gets to tape games before actually broadcasting them so they may be edited for a false sense of suspense.
* The huddle is replaced with the “house meeting.”
* The Pro Bowl is replaced by a reunion show where Rex Grossman once again says he “totally cannot believe Olin Kreutz didn’t get him the snap.”
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Packers at Cowboys
Storyline: Believe it or not, I’m walking on air. Brett Favre is The Greatest American Hero.
Reality: Brett Favre in Dallas is as cool as a blonde Afro and a skin-tight superhero suit.
Pick: Dallas Minus 7, Under 51.5 Points Scored.
UnderHyped Game: of the Week: Jaguars at Colts
Storyline: Believe it or not, Eli and I are from the same mother.
Reality: Think of Peyton as Greg Brady, and Jacksonville as Bobby and Peter. In this episode, Bobby and Peter leave frogs in the back seat of the car, totally ruining Greg’s chances with the hot chick.
Pick: Jacksonville Plus 7, Under 45 Points Scored.
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Results
Last week: 1-5 (1-2 Against the Spread, 0-3 Over/Under)
Season: 29-41 (12-23 Against the Spread, 17-18 Over/Under)
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on November 29, 2007