By Eric Emery
This is the time of year when pro football fans get out their calculators and try to decipher which teams are and are not in the wild-card race. In today’s NFL, you see, you generally have four teams worthy of a Super Bowl appearance and another dozen good enough to get crushed in the playoffs by those four teams.
Which teams will be just good enough for such a crushing? Well, in recent years the formula has gotten more complicated. The league now takes demographic data of each team’s city into account. Let’s take a look.
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Washington: Most Murderous 7th, Brain Power 8th, Worst Work Commute 2nd.
Beachwood Analysis: Players enjoy killing people and they are pretty smart about it. The only problem is that they spend a whole lot of time in the car between killings.
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Detroit: Fattest 9th, Most Murderous 1st, Most Sedentary 4th, Lowest Brain Power 3rd
Beachwood Analysis: Players not satisfied to kill people just by sitting on them.
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New York (Giants): Brain Power 32nd, Worst Work Commute 1st, Greenest City 6th
Beachwood Analysis: Players spend too much time parked in their cars looking at trees.
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Jacksonville: – Skin Cancer 75th, Most Sedentary 8th, Brain Power, 33rd
Beachwood Analysis: Players not smart enough to lie down indoors.
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Cleveland: Junk Food Capital, Most Sedentary 19th, Lowest Brain Power 2nd
Beachwood Analysis: One word: Funyuns.
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Buffalo: Skin Cancer 2nd, Most Murderous 10th, Best Work Commute
Beachwood Analysis: Players enjoy drive-by shootings.
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Redskins at Cowboys
Storyline: Hey! Remember when both teams were good? They both have winning records! Remember when the Redskins fans stomped and chanted “We Want the Cowboys?” We have that on file!
Reality: Like milk and gas, Washington’s win totals are suffering from inflation.
Pick: Dallas Minus 10.5 Points, Over 47 Points Scored.
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Giants at Lions
Storyline: Three things happen this time of year: Halloween, Thanksgiving, and the utter collapse of the Giants.
Reality: Like any guy, I thoroughly enjoy the “I’m not happy, I’m about to tear up” look of Tom Coughlin. Questions like “When are you going run this train off the tracks?” have only increased the pressure on the Giants. Here’s the thing: The Giants are pretty healthy and pretty good on defense.
Pick: Giants Plus 3 Points, Under 49.5 Points Scored.
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Results:
Last week: 3-3 (0-3 Against the Spread, 3-0 Over/Under)
Season: 25-33 (10-19 Against the Spread, 15-14 Over/Under)
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on November 15, 2007