By Eric Emery
It’s hard to be funny when you are angry. But I will try.
Let’s start with the good news. Pittsburgh/Jacksonville was exciting if you enjoyed watching a team getting beat down like a rented mule. Washington/Dallas was never close, but for two different reasons than I expected. Special thanks to Joe Gibbs for ruling Clinton Portis out after I released last week’s column. That ruled. By picking losers, I was 5-0-1. So things are looking up.
Pittsburgh/Jacksonville featured plenty of hitting, mostly Jacksonville hitting the Steelers and the Steelers hitting the ground. That was not The Beloved. I smell conspiracy. Since I lean to the left, I hold certain governmental conspiracies closely, such as Bush invading Iraq solely to finish the work of his father; Lee Harvey Oswald killing JFK for the mob; and JFK and Marilyn Monroe faking their deaths so they can live together peacefully in Boszeman, Montana raising emu and bison for the specialty jerky market.
That sounds like a slam-dunk to me.
It’s more than my name; it’s my way of doing business.
Since the column is entitled Over/Under, here are the Over/Under jokes that should have been made last week, if my crystal ball hadn’t fogged up. I’ve since taken it to the shop for repairs.
Washington at Dallas
Over/Under: 15 1/2. Number of times I will beg Washington Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams to blitz the Cowboys Drew Bledsoe, like I said he should.
Over/Under: 3 1/2. How many times announcers will mention Drew Bledsoe’s propensity toward being hit and rattled, resulting in me hurling F-bombs at Williams through my TV screen.
Over/Under: 1/2. Number of times I will pick the Redskins again.
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville
Over/Under: 1/2. Times the Steelers will adjust passing routes to the middle for Hines Ward, big catches by Cedric Wilson, or plays Santonio Holmes looks like he belongs in the NFL.
Over/Under: 7 1/2. Number of Jacksonville crowd reaction shots that sported somebody with missing teeth. (Have you seen a dirtier group of front row seat holders? Can you imagine the humanity in Section 510? How much are front row seats at Alltel Stadium – $10 with a free glass of Thunderbird?)
Over/Under: 1 1/2. During the two shots of the guy with the Steve Beuerlein jersey, times I will think “Is that the only jersey he owns?” (What, your Natrone Means jersey is at the cleaners?)
Madden Ruining Football For Me One More Time
I read a column in Slate this week that explains how you can learn football strategy from playing Madden ’07. This rings true, since, just like in the game, every time I see three Steelers DBs retreating, I know it is the patented “Let’s give up a 12-yard out pattern” defense.
As far as the Redskins refusing to blitz Drew Bledsoe, Bledsoe, just like in the game, is always easy to find – 5 to 7 yards directly behind the center. The only strategic question is, “How do we get someone there as quickly as possible?”
I bring up Madden because if were playing Madden, I would have used the same defensive strategy as the real-life Redskins, since video Bledsoe is considerable tougher than real-life Bledsoe. In Madden, you take away Owens and Glenn, since successful pressure in Madden is a sack. Successful pressure in real life is hitting Bledsoe a few times, and then he leaves the game to change his adult diapers.
He will remain nameless, but in 7ish games of Madden, a friend of mine has never beaten me, even though his copy is on a different game system. Why? Because even if he is playing with the fearsome passing prowess of Manning or Palmer, I almost always blitz. Why do defenses drop back against Manning and I blitz like the Germans in World War II? My friend holds on the ball too long and drops back too far, allowing my LBs to beat the OTs around the corner.
Gregg Williams and John Madden, I hate you.
With the Bears playing at Noon, we can expect another thin offering of televised games in Chicago. Here are the Over/Under-hyped games of Week 3.
Over-Hyped: Atlanta at New Orleans, Monday September 25, 7:30 P.M.
Between my frequent F-bombs during Monday Night Football last week, I noticed the 242 times ESPN mentioned how football was returning back to New Orleans. I predict that also means we have Aaron Neville and Dr. John performing the National Anthem. We can also expect a cavalcade of stars with roots in the Gulf Coast. Finally, we can count on President Bush showing up for the 3rd Quarter for the coin toss. The man never quite gets to New Orleans in time.
Once the tears end, we can expect an action-packed game, right? After all, both teams are 2-0. Well, not so fast. New Orleans beat UW-Green Bay last week, so that is more like half a win. The other win was against Cleveland Browns II, who in turn was crushed by Cincinnati. So, in other words, much like the people responsible for disaster planning, the New Orleans has still not met an above average team.
On the other hand, Atlanta faced teams that are now 0-2; Carolina and Tampa Bay. Of all the 0-2 teams, Carolina seems to be the most talented, so give a nod to Atlanta. Plus, Atlanta possesses the league’s best two running backs after two weeks: Warrick Dunn and Michael Vick. I know Vick wears #7 and that is a QB jersey number, that’s a lie. He’s a running back who happens to take the snap.
Finally, Atlanta is getting some key players back on a defense that looked brilliant in Week One and pretty darn good Week Two. At the end of the day, New Orleans shows an ability to score and to be scored upon. But for the firsts time this season, they will simply be overwhelmed like, well, you know.
The only question remaining: Will Brittney Spears throw her baby on her lap and go see Tirico and the boys in the booth? If she does, remember one thing: Kornheiser sits in the middle. He hearts the awkward grope.
Pick: Atlanta -3; Over 41 points.
Under-hyped: New York Giants at Seattle, Sunday September 24, 3:15 P.M.
Just when you thought you heard enough of a Manning, I pull you back in. Sorry.
As you watch the game, don’t let the trivial stuff get to you. I know that you know the following: Eli is Peyton’s brother, Seattle lost in the Super Bowl, and Tom Coughlin looks like he is passing a stone when he yells.
Even though the broadcast crew will spend equal parts time speaking about Seattle’s 2-0 start and the Giants comeback against Philadelphia, they should instead talk about Seattle’s sputtering running game and the Giants’ two games against two better-than-average offenses. Even though they might be a little thinner at defense, the Giants should hold up well against Seattle’s offense. Seattle is tough at home, so it will be relatively close, and fun to watch.
Pick: New York Giants +3; Under 44 points
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You can reach Eric Emery at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com, or berate him publicly in our forums.
Posted on September 21, 2006