By Eric Emery
While it’s true that last week I declared that the Bears still sucked, and I was (technically) wrong, at least I didn’t make the same error that Packers fans did. It’s one thing to deride a team before a game starts. It’s another to start in with the ugly chants when you’re up by 10 with six minutes left in the third quarter. That’s still plenty of game left – as the Bears showed, outscoring the Packers 20-3 from there on out. Oops.
The Cheeseheads at Lambeau oughta know better. You don’t talk about a no-hitter and you don’t go into your victory chant prematurely. If you do, you become what hip sports fans would call a goocher. I’m going to help you avoid that fate. Watch and learn.
Tip 1: Root for your teams, but with the appropriate level of pessimism..
Examples:
For the Bears: If Hester gets 15 punts a game, that’s an easy two touchdowns right there.
For the Blackhawks: It’s hard to say. They need to be on the road so we can watch.
For the Cubs: It would be like winning the Lotto geting hit by lightning at the same time.
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Tip 2: Describe what your team needs to do to keep a lead, but don’t actually guarantee victory.
Examples:
For the Bears: Keep handing the ball to Benson for two yards a carry. Maybe that’ll get the job done.
For the White Sox: If [INSERT NAME OF STARTER] can go five, maybe it’ll rain and they’ll get the win.
For the Bulls: Maybe Jordan comes out of retirement in the fourth quarter and seals this thing.
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Tip 3: Always respond to other goochers as fiercely as possible.
Example:
* During the 2003 NLCS, Bernie Mac sang “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” with the alternate lyrics “root, root, root for the champions!” You could call for a boycott of his TV show and movies, but no one watches them anyway. So declare you will no longer eat Big Macs or keep renting A Weekend at Bernie’s. If there has to be collateral damage, so be it.
*
Tip 4: Never, ever put your bold prediction in print.
Example:
If you absolutely must post a Mission Accomplished banner on an aircraft carrier for all the world to see, make sure you include the fine print “Just after a few thousand more soldiers die.”
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OverHyped Game of the Week: Saints at Seahawks
Do you hear a loud ticking sound? That’s the fifteen minutes of fame running down for last year’s New Orleans Saints. This fall from grace reminds me of being a child star. One minutes you’re some cute kid riding a multicolored bus, the next you’re dropping some idiot on his face.
Pick: Seattle Minus 6.5 Points, Over 43 Points Scored.
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UnderHyped Game of the Week: Panthers at Cardinals
Do you hear the ticking of the clock? It’s the pacemaker in the heart of whoever plays quarterback in this game. Kurt Warner for Arizona? Vinny Testaverde for Carolina? Is Ken Stabler available? Can Abe Vigoda throw a forward pass?
Last year we counted on Arizona to play good enough to lose in dramatic fashion at the end. This year, we count on Arizona to play good enough to make it a consistently fun experience. Sort of like what Fish brought to the table.
Pick: Arizona Minus 4 Points, Over 41 Points Scored.
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Results
Last week: 3-3 (1-2 Against the Spread, 2-1 Over/Under)
Season: 15-15 (6-9 Against the Spread, 9-6 Over/Under)
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. Emery accepts comments from Bears fans reluctantly and everyone else tolerably.
Posted on October 11, 2007