By Eric Emery
During this calendar year, the Emery clan increased by one. This will sound biased, but my nephew J.J. is the cutest baby in the world – and I’m not saying this just because his parents dressed him in the little Roethlisberger jersey I purchased. That was just the right thing to do, because as uncle and guardian of his football development, I’ve declared J.J. a Steelers fan
This Christmas Eve, we spent plenty of time putting words in J.J.’s mouth. Just in case you didn’t know, infants spend an awful lot of time sleeping, eating, and pooping. In between, infants serve as sure-fire entertainment to bridge awkward family silences. So while I’m saying, “Yes, JJ, you love you’re uncle and the Steelers. Yeah, you’re a better quarterback than Roethlisberger,” he’s thinking, “What’s that warm feeling around my butt?”
That’s the beauty of babies.
It’s not much different in the NFL, where announcers spend time putting words in the mouths of players and coaches in order to fill awkward silences. When a linebacker absolutely crushes a wide receiver on a crossing route, you hear “Right here, Zach Thomas says ‘Try that junk somewhere else. Not in my house!'” The truth is closer to “Good. What down is it?”
Because of J.J., I’ve gotten nearly as good as professional football announcers at putting words in other people’s mouths. Let’s give it spin.
* Tiger Woods edges LaDainlan Tomlinson for AP Male Athlete of the Year. “Right here, Tomlinson is saying, ‘I lost to a golfer? What, there weren’t any outstanding bowlers on the list this year?'”
* Jeff Garcia leads resurgent Eagles over Cowboys. “Right here, Garcia is saying, ‘My shrink was right. It wasn’t me, it was the Lions.'”
* Lions’ loudmouth receiver Mike Williams drops a pass in the end zone with time running out to preserve a Bears win: “Right here, Williams is saying ‘I’m just helping my team win . . . the first pick in next year’s draft.'”
* MIchael Vick becomes first quarterback to rush for more than 1,000 yards in a season. “Right here, Vick is saying, ‘I’d be an excellent quarterback if I could line up in the backfield and never have to throw.'”
* Peyton Manning and the Colts lose to the lowly Texans. “Right here, Manning is saying, ‘They’re not booing, they’re saying mooovers.'”
* Brett Favre plays what could be his final home game – again. “Right here, Favre is saying, ‘Mick and Keef were right about this farewell thing. I’m making a mint.'”
* Ken Dorsey makes first start for the Browns. “Right here, Dorsey is saying, ‘It’s sad here in Cleveland. These players get paid less than when I was at the University of Miami.'”
* Tank Johnson faces home confinement. “Right here, Tank is saying, ‘I need to learn how to have fun at home without guns, pot, pit bulls, and small children. Maybe I should go out more.'”
Here are this week’s most over- and under-hyped games.
Over-hyped: Atlanta at Philadelphia
Storyline: Philly looks to win and get the third seed and a home game next week. Atlanta looks to win and eke into the playoffs.
What They Forget To Tell You: After placing some figures into the “Total Meltdown Index,” we find the following: Overrated Coach Making Ignorant Statements + Unhappy Overrated Star + Unhappy Owner = Level Five, Grade A Meltdown of Epic Proportions.
The fun happens when they turn on the microphones. With Philly playing their best football of the year, Atlanta starts pointing fingers and cleaning out lockers.
Pick: Philadelphia minus 7/Over 44.5
Under-hyped: Jacksonville at Kansas City
Storyline: Both teams need a win and a lot of help to make the playoffs.
What They Forget To Tell You: I’ll agree with the conventional hype about this game. Both teams possess talent, and remain motivated to play well. Do you take Jacksonville with their good run defense and bad road record, or Kansas City and their mediocre run defense and good home record?
Heck, I’d analyze it, but I’m mailing this year in. I just know this will be a helluva game.
Pick: Kansas City minus 2.5 points/Over 38
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Last Week: 2-4
Season: 40-51-3
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com.
Posted on December 28, 2006