By Eric Emery
We all cuss about Christmas presents that need extra accessories. Toys need batteries. Game systems need controllers. Ugly sweaters need someone willing to wear them. But one Christmas gift comes complete with the only accessory it needs: NyQuil and its trusty plastic shot glass. Believe me, the best gift you can give yourself and your cold is a dose of the “sniffling, sneezing, then it takes you and your cold for a woodshed beating” medicine. That’s what I learned last weekend.
And just like listening to Pink Floyd while high delivers insights never gleaned while sober, watching football while dosed with NyQuil opened up a world of insight into some of the game’s largest personalities. To wit:
Bryant Gumbel: Gumbel brings his unexcited and uninformed flair to the NFL Network each week. If you need a three-minute warning to the two-minute warning, Gumble is your guy.
Bill Parcells: He antagonizes the media every week but still hasn’t talked to his star wide receiver about that overdose that almost killed him. And when New Orleans pulls off an onside kick while up by 18 points, he just stares blankly at the field. Is he pulling a Costanza by doing the opposite of what he thinks he should do?
Tony Dungy: Jacksonville’s running backs look like Wal-Mart shoppers at 5 a.m. on Black Friday and you are the poor soul trampled underfoot, but your calm demeanor does not break. Sure, you could get upset after giving up 300-plus yards on the ground, but why worry? It’ll all sort itself out in the playoffs. That approach worked well in Tampa, too.
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Bandwagon-Jumping
Even with the parity that ensures mediocre playoff races deep into the season, most fans by now must face the reality that the year is over for their favorite team. It is for mine. So I’m considering jumping on the Chargers bandwagon. May I do so willy-nilly? Of course not. There is a code of conduct to follow. For those considering the same jump, we have guidelines:
1. Make sure your team has actually been eliminated from the playoffs. By Week 6, you’ve realized your team lacks coaching ability and on-field talent. Can you jump ship? No way. You’ve got to put in your time until all hope is lost. You can secretly begin to scout which team’s bandwagon you want to jump to before your team is mathematically eliminated, but you must not mention it to anyone.
Exception: For Lions and Cardinals, all hope is inherently lost after the pre-season ends, no matter what the math says.
2. You cannot jump onto the bandwagon of a team that plays in the same division as your favorite. This dilutes the karmic power of rooting against them the following year. It’s also a bit like cheating with someone your spouse knows. And you won’t be able to look your friends in the face. Bandwagon-jumping is done best with a team in another conference and in another part of the country than your own.
3. You must know a true fan of the team you’re adopting. It’s like having a sponsor. My uncle Todd loves the Chargers. So I will need to kiss his ring and get his approval before making the switch. It’s about respect for those who were there first.
4. Use the correct verbiage to announce your intentions. Good: “Now that my team is out of it, I really enjoy how the Chargers play football. I’m cheering for them.” Bad: “I’ve always been a fan. Really!” Really Bad: “I’m a weak-willed tool who simply cheers for the media darling.”
5. If your bandwagon selection loses, you are done. You can’t jump twice in the ame season. Listen, if your bandwagon selection loses in the playoffs, just enter an extra Super Bowl pool. It’s God’s way of saying “You’re not worthy to root for a winner.”
Now, on to the most over- and under-hyped games of the week.
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Over-hyped: Cincinnati at Indianapolis (Monday night)
Storyline: Elite offenses collide when 8-5 Cincinnati travels to 10-3 Indianapolis.
What They Forget To Tell You: No other game parallels The Longest Yard more than this one. And I mean the original, not about the crappy remake. The Bengals playing the part of “The Mean Machine,” lead the NFL in arrests (8). Indy plays the part of the guards, dressed in blue. In a special role, Payton Manning leads the cast as Warden Hazen. Why Manning for this role? The inmates hate seeing the warden, and we hate seeing Manning in that cell phone commercial sporting the cheesy mustache.
Expect Tony Dungy to finally lose his cool at the end of this one: “Palmer is escaping! Shoot him! Shoot him!”
Expect Palmer to escape unharmed with a victory.
Pick: Cincinnati plus 3.5/Under 55
Under-hyped: Kansas City at San Diego (Sunday night)
Storyline: The top two RBs meet in an AFC West showdown.
What They Forget To Tell You: San Diego enters Week 15 as the team everybody loves. The only problem with that is Chris Berman sings the “San Diego Super Chargers” song so much that I might drive to Bristol to punch him in the face.
There are few good match-ups this week, so this is as good as it gets. Watch to see the future. If San Diego covers, meet the new Super Bowl champs.
Pick: San Diego minus 7.5/Over 47.5
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Last Week: 4-2
Season: 34-45-3
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com.
Posted on December 14, 2006