By Eric Emery
Having grown up in the lightly-populated, small Northwestern Illinois town of Savanna, holder of the state high school football record for consecutive losses, I learned how to make my own fun. So when I went back home to my see my folks for Thanksgiving, I was ready for some creative time-killing. This time around, for example, me and my father decided to visit a bunch of auto dealerships and check out the stock. It was actually quite entertaining.
Fans of teams that stink who can no longer bear watching their heroes could do well to employ this kind of strategy with the extra time you now have on your hands on Sundays. Here are some suggestions.
Redskins fans: Form your own study group to solve your team’s problems now that hope is lost.
Packers fans: Form a “Ship, Captain, Crew” league. The winner gets his name on state liver transplant list.
Lions fans: Form an investment club to search for other poorly run companies that might sponsor the stadium in which the the most poorly fun franchise in the league not named Arizona plays in.
Buccaneers fans: Attach a photocopy of Jon Gruden’s face to your family dog. Avoid walking the dog in public so strangers don’t kick it.
Cardinals fans: Apply to be Lions fans.
Steelers fans: Fly to Pittsburgh, use game tickets you purchased after Week One for $130 over face value, drink a couple sixers of Iron City, and yell at your team for looking like boiled shit after winning the Super Bowl last year. To my credit, I’m following my own advice.
Browns fans: Create the Drew Carey Hall of Fame. Watch it get funding and draw more people than both the Browns games and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Titans fans: Write snooty art review on the Titan’s “T” logo and send it in to the local paper. Postulate that the blue signifies the clear skies that reflect the optimism of Titans fans. Theorize that the red signifies the blood the Titans are willing to spill in pursuit of victory. Muse that the flaming “T” stands for the Turd your team lays every week.
Texans fans: Phone other Texans fan and recount the single important game the team has won in franchise history, and how good it made you feel. Marvel at how many minutes you have left on your calling plan.
Raiders fans: This one requires you to actually keep watching your team, but the fun it provides will be well worth it: Art Shell Bingo. Make a list of the 75 most frequent poor coaching decisions. Randomly place 24 numbers on various 5×5 grids. Fill in your card as the game goes on. Feel free to ad lib and ad squares for new offensive coordinator John Shoop too.
Last Week: 4-2
Season: 29-39-2
Last Five Weeks: 20-10
Comment: Study Group?! Study Group?! I don’t need your stinkin’ study group.
Over-hyped: Dallas at New York Giants
Storyline: Dallas looks to continue momentum against the reeling Giants. The Giants need a win to stop the bleeding and stay in the playoff hunt.
What they forget to tell you: When you combine names with words, the hype meter reaches critical mass. With Romomentum, we’re there. Plus, Romo’s alleged romance with Jessica Simpson has some folks muttering his name in the same breath as that of Joe Namath (Broadway Romo?). Sure enough, rumor has it Romo will appear soon on an episode of “7th Heaven” to visit someone pretending to be a sick kid. With Bill Parcells as the buzz-kill neighbor.
Still: The Giants showed they rally when times are tough. This week, the times are too tough. After this game, Bears fan will cry about the national media cheating on them with the Cowboys.
Pick: Dallas minus 3.5 points/Over 45
Under-hyped: Seattle at Denver (Sunday night)
Storyline: Rookie Jay Cutler gets his first NFL start for the Broncos. Seattle continues to get healthy and is eager to show they are still among the best in the NFC.
What they forget to tell you: You see those silver bands around Cutler’s wrists? Those are handcuffs. The Broncos have three decent running backs. You won’t see a lot of Cutler’s arm.
Still: Seattle needs one more week to get really good. Seattle has the weapons on offense to make a run, but unfortunately, they’re still watching most of the game from the sidelines.
Pick: Denver minus 3.5 points/Under 39
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com. Or berate him publicly.
Posted on November 29, 2006