By Eric Emery
This week we match NFL teams with their corporate archetypes.
The Superstar Salesman: One guy in your department gets all the attention. Sure he’s talented, but you’re working hard too and nobody seems to notice. Plus, in crunch time he seems to disappear, I mean, the individual awards are nice but he’s not exactly meeting the company’s goal of being the best in its field.
Welcome to Peyton Manning’s Indianapolis Colts. The Colts have two players: Peyton Manning, and the guys who play with Peyton Manning. Imagine busting your rump for 60 minutes and getting crushed by 300-pound guys. As you hobble back to the locker room, all you are asked is “How does it feel playing with Peyton Manning?”
Making matters worse, Manning shows up on every third commercial on TV. Clearly, Manning is preparing himself for Congress after football. Not only is he popular, he understands that it pays more to take money from corporations than from your regular job.
Bill Lumberg: Imagine if your boss asks you to take a pay cut in order to use the money to buy better talent, then your company farms customer service out to India and places 15 temps under your direction.
Welcome to Tom Brady’s New England Patriots. Brady accepted a pay cut but the Patriots failed to lock up Super Bowl MVP Dion Branch, and signed a multitude of cast-offs. Just like at your workplace, personal sacrifices that are supposed to be “good for the company” almost never are.
Crazy Boss: For years your company does poorly. Mediocrity rules the day. In a last ditch effort, they bring in a seemingly qualified manager to turn it around. Problem is he is half bat-shit crazy. Initial momentum crumbles; the wheels fall off and all hell breaks lose.
Welcome to Dennis Green’s Arizona Cardinals. Green fires his offensive coordinator; the team averages 11 points a game under Green. Green holds a 29 percent fan approval rating – two points worse than George W. Bush. And unlike Bush, Green’s father can’t bail him out.
Crumbling Corporate Monolith: You are a proud company, steeped in a proud tradition, and you are slowly sinking into a mire of filth. Your CEO speaks of the proud tradition, yet success seems decades in the past. You bring in managers from the past to recapture old glory. Problem is that they moved on to different careers like “Director of Human Resources” and “Food and Beverage Director” upon leaving the first time.
Welcome to the Oakland Raiders. Art Shell’s second tour-of-duty is even worse than the first. Why? Because he hasn’t worked since being laid off! He hasn’t kept up with his industry, and his boss is living in the past. Tradition isn’t enough. There’s this thing called the Internet now. Learn it.
Last Week: 4-2.
Season: 21-35-2.
Here are the over- and under-hyped games of the week.
Over-hyped: San Diego at Denver
On paper, this game has everything – division rivals with 7-2 records meeting to determine who is the lead dog in the AFC West.
Both teams have nice defensive stats, but they came mostly at the expense of bad teams. San Diego is the hot team, and you would do well to place your chips on Tomlinson, not Plummer. Won’t be as close as the hype; the Chargers roll.
Pick: San Diego plus 3.5 points/Over 39.5
Under-hyped: Indianapolis at Dallas
Indianapolis stinks against the run. Parcells leads a crazy team, but he is not crazy. The Cowboys will learn from the Bills: Run, run, run. Keep Manning on the sidelines. Dallas makes this the Game of the Week.
Pick: Dallas minus 2.5 points/Under 48
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For more Emery, see the Kool-Aid archive, and the Over/Under archive. He can be contacted at Eric_Emery12345@yahoo.com. Or berate him publicly.
Posted on November 15, 2006