By The Beachwood Bracketology Bureau
Once again the sharpest minds at Beachwood HQ have come together to produce the nation’s best brackets. Watch for updates after every round. In fact, in four years of doing this we’ve never gotten a game wrong.
Championship Game
Butler vs. Duke. The privatization of America continues. No public option? This is not reform. Rooting for Butler is mandatory, but Duke finds a loophole.
Final Four
Michigan State vs. Butler. Neither team should be there, but both are. We give the edge to Tom Izzo Stradlin.
West Virginia vs. Duke. The preppies beat the coal miners because that’s just how life goes. Sigh.
Elite Eight
MIDWEST
Michigan State vs. Tennessee. Having already beaten the tournament’s best Big Ten team, the Vols should have little problem handling the Vols.
WEST
Butler vs. Kansas State. The KSU spite train rolls on.
EAST
Kentucky vs. West Virginia. Fried chicken beats coal.
SOUTH
Duke vs. Baylor. The Bears are cool but the Blue Demons are better.
*
Sweet 16
MIDWEST
Northern Iowa vs. Michigan State. The Spartans are better – but not today.
Tennessee vs. Ohio State. The Buckeyes salvage some Big Ten pride.
WEST
Syracuse vs. Butler. Orange Pride sweeps the nation – and the tournament.
Xavier vs. Kansas State. If for nothing but to rub the Jayhawks’ noses in it. But they’re better, too.
EAST
Kentucky vs. Cornell. Syracuse! I mean, this is the East region, right? Oh, okay, Kentucky, if only to put a halt to stories about all those smarties and their suicides.
Washington vs. West Virginia. Washington will continue to be bogged down by partisan debate and sleazy parliamentary maneuvers. West Virginia just gits it done.
SOUTH
Duke vs. Purdue. Never challenge a man named Duke. Or is that Dirk?
Baylor vs. St. Mary’s. By executive order, St. Mary’s is not allowed to appear in this tournament any longer.
*
Second Round
MIDWEST
Kansas vs. Northern Iowa. Kansas has a history of choking in the tournament but Beachwood Labs bought into them as far as the Final Four. Still, this game makes us queasy.
Michigan State vs. Maryland. Just not believing in the Big Ten this year.
Georgia Tech vs. Ohio State. Except for this game.
Tennessee vs. Ohio. We’re riding our Cinderella team one more round.
WEST
Syracuse vs. Gonzaga. The Orangemen, baby!
Butler vs. Murray State. Mr. Murray K. State. State.
Xavier vs. Pittsburgh. X, by any means necessary.
BYU vs. KSU. PU, but KSU, which has a date with Syracuse in Salt Lake City.
EAST
Kentucky vs. Wake Forest. Kentucky also has a date with Syracuse – in Indianapolis.
Cornell vs. Wisconsin. We love Wisconsin but this is where it ends.
Washington vs. New Mexico. Disgusting back-door deals make Washington impossible to pick, even if they do have the votes.
Missouri vs. West Virginia. Coal miners’ daughters could beat Mizzou.
SOUTH
Duke vs. Cal. East vs. West in the South. Jet lag catches up with Golden Bears.
Texas A&M vs. Purdue. Weird daylight savings time zones in Indiana catch up with Boilermakers.
Old Dominion vs. Baylor. OD wins textbook wars, but not this game.
St. Mary’s vs. Villanova. St. Mary’s wins textbook wars, but not this game.
*
First Round
MIDWEST
Kansas vs. Lehigh. One day a No. 16 seed will beat a No. 1 seed, but when that day comes that seed will not be named Lehigh. Plus, we’re looking forward to Kansas’s upcoming Final Four heartbreak.
UNLV vs. Northern Iowa. Normally our algorithm doesn’t approve of schools with directional names, and normally our algorithm favors schools located in gambling meccas, and normally our algorithm is against all things Iowa, where someone on our staff spent nine miserable months once, but in this case we think the Panthers have just enough to get by the Runnin’ Rebels before Kansas puts them out of our misery.
Michigan State vs. New Mexico State. Sorry, libertarian hippie freaks, the auto bailout will prop up the Spartans one more time.
Maryland vs. Houston. Maryland could make a deep run, while Houston’s unfamiliarity with zoning will do it in.
Tennessee vs. San Diego State. SDSU also has underdog potential, but not as much as if it was SDSY.
Georgetown vs. Ohio. Put the dot on the “i” and settle in for Ohio’s pending mind-blowing showdown with Ohio State.
Oklahoma State vs. Georgia Tech. Georgia Tech is a PC, so we’ll take the Cowboys, who don’t need no stinkin’ computers.
Ohio State vs. UC-Santa Barbara. Vincent Vega not enough for a UCSB upset.
*
WEST
Syracuse vs. Vermont. Sorry, Dr. Dean.
Gonzaga vs. Florida State. The yuppies have discovered Gonzaga and, predictably, ruined it. But they’ll get one win in before heading home.
Butler vs. UTEP. The Beachwood algorithm would usually work against any school named after paid domestic help, but in this case the West Texas town of El Paso can’t compete.
Vanderbilt vs. Murray State. Vandy will advance to the White Glove Bowl against Butler.
Xavier vs. Minnesota. Xavier will overcome a weak throwing arm to topple inconsistent upstart Minnesota, which is too polite to beat an injured man.
Pittsburgh vs. Oakland (Mich.). Billy Beane’s younger brother just not enough to overcome Pitt, despite Dave Wannstedt.
BYU vs. Florida. Mormon jokes still not old.
Kansas State vs. North Texas. Algorithm and lack of talent knock North Texas out.
*
EAST
Kentucky vs. East Tennessee State. Maybe if it was South Tennessee State, but otherwise no.
Texas vs. Wake Forest. Even first-round losses are bigger in Texas.
Temple vs. Cornell. Jews vs. Goys? Never bet against God’s chosen people, at least until the third round.
Wisconsin vs. Wofford. We want to like Wofford, which claims to offer a “Quintessential Liberal Arts Education,” but a look beneath the surface reveals that the school is located in Spartanburg, S.C. So, you know, just another Internet scam.
Marquette vs. Washington. Everybody hates Washington these days, and we’re no different. Reconcile this!
New Mexico vs. Montana. I would have liked to have seen Montana. Oops!
Clemson vs. Missouri. We’re suckers for that paw print.
West Virginia vs. Morgan State. You’re out of here, Morgan. Don’t have the temperament for the trade. There’s always barber college.
*
SOUTH
Duke vs. South Harmon Institute of Technology. Geez, they let just about anyone into that play-in game these days.
California vs. Louisville. Schwarzenegger has his whole state budget riding on this game at the Mirage, so we’ll give it to him because we love those commercials about being just a bunch of pencil-pushers.
Texas A&M vs. Utah. A&M being called up for ninth tour of duty in Iraq soon, so we think they might make a little run here.
Purdue vs. Siena. Any school with a mascot named after a cocktail almost always gets our vote.
Notre Dame vs. Old Dominion. What is this, the Dark Ages Bowl? Notre Dame wins in a conspiracy.
Baylor vs. Sam Houston State. We didn’t like Baylor much when he coached the Cubs, but Sam Houston’s ego is a bit much to take.
Richmond vs. St. Mary’s. There’s something about St. Mary’s. We think it’s the stench of failure.
Villanova vs. Robert Morris. We don’t think that little school downtown can compete. Maybe if it was hockey.
–
Comments welcome.
–
See also:
* Beachwood Brackets ’09!
* Beachwood Brackets ’08
* Beachwood Brackets ’07
* The Beachwood Brackets
Posted on March 18, 2010