By Steve Rhodes
“Would you take advice from Jenny McCarthy?” USA Today asked in October upon the news that the Sun-Times had hired the celebrity with the biggest body count as their new advice columnist.
Maybe the question should have been who would take advice from Jenny McCarthy.
Well, now we know.
Here are actual excerpts from (presumably) actual people and McCarthy’s actual responses, with my actual commentary added for actual entertainment.
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October 28
Dear Jenny :
I was married for 21 years and got divorced in January 2011. I’m having a tough time dating and hope you can give me some help.
– Norm from Wheaton
Jenny says: Oh man, Norm. I feel ya. I know exactly what you are going through. I was married for seven years and then jumped into a relationship for another five. When I was finally free, I was scared. I didn’t know how to date. I would meet someone and stay with them for five to seven years just so I didn’t have to go on any dates.
Now I’m proud to say I’ve turned into a date-aholic. So you asked the right person, my friend.
Or, some might say, you’ve asked exactly the wrong person. But it gets better.
The first thing you need to do is hang out where single people are. If you are young, it’s the clubs.
Um, read closer, Jenny. He was married for 21 years. So not young. Also: Lives in Wheaton. So, no clubs.
Please make sure you are up to date with your wardrobe and make sure you are groomed.
Also, please make sure you are not up-to-date with your vaccines.
If you are not doing well in public settings, then try online dating. I did it for a while, but then I couldn’t differentiate between a serial killer and a nice guy, so I quit.
And we’re asking you for advice?
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November 4
Dear Jenny :
How do you get past embarrassing moments? I just had a big one happen to me and I’m too embarrassed to even say it.
– Louise from Chicago
Well, it can’t be worse than asking Jenny McCarthy for advice . . .
Jenny says: Well Louise, we can all relate to having embarrassing moments! I’ve shoved my foot so far in my mouth so many times that I guarantee there is a foot growing out of my butt.
Stop promoting your next photo shoot.
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November 11
Dear Jenny :
I have been dating a sheriff’s deputy on and off for six years, but for the last year or so we have gotten very close. We saw each other on the weekend, made plans for the following weekend but when I texted him about our plans during the week, he texted back with “Have to pass, started seeing someone!”
That’s it. I have texted and e-mailed a few short messages (not mean or upset) since then and have gotten ZERO response. Obviously, I wrote him off but my question is, what kind of guy does that? Do men actually think that is acceptable? Especially since he is a public servant, doesn’t that bring common sense and decency?
– Jackie from Oswego
Let me stop in here, Jenny. Um, when you’ve been “seeing someone” on and off for six years, that means you’re not seeing them. When he texts you and says “Have to pass, started seeing someone!”, that means he can’t bang you anymore because he’s actually started seeing someone. And no, being a sheriff’s deputy doesn’t confer common sense upon someone – and neither does “dating” one. But I can hook you up with a guy named Norm from Wheaton.
Jenny says: Yes, I would say that was pretty douche-baggy of him to be so short and so blunt with you. Also, with texts it’s so hard to hear any emotion, so that doesn’t help. He could have thought he was saying it sweetly, but it doesn’t matter. It still hurts. OMG, if I could hug you I would!
. . .
When I get leftovers that seem to pop up in my life again, I think to myself, “Oh no, I’m attracting the same thing!” What didn’t I learn from the last time? What do I need to change to upgrade this time?
Once you do that, you will be amazed by all the fresh meat that comes your way. It will be raining new men and when it does, call me so I can have some of your leftovers. Mine have been awful lately.
And we’re asking you for advice?
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November 25
Dear Jenny:
I have a dilemma. Every year I have an annual Christmas party, just a small gathering of a few family and friends. But unfortunately, one of my family members does not get along with one of my friends. I invited these two last year and it went OK, but since then they have had words. If I don’t invite both of them I will hurt their feelings. I don’t know what to do! I can’t afford to have two parties. Do I just not have the party this year?
– Sarah from Sherman, Ill.
Jenny says: Perhaps you should set up a small kids’ table, like we used to do around the holidays. But instead of putting the kids there, you should make your two friends sit at the table and you should pour them grape juice in wine glasses. Every once in a while go up to each of them, spit on your finger and rub their cheeks with your spit-covered digit like you’re trying to scrape food off of their faces. Then ask them frequently in a high-pitched voice, “Do you have to go poopie? Tell me when you have to go poopie.” And then explain to them, “If you are going to act like a child, I will treat you like a child.”
And that means no vaccinations for you!
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November 18
Dear Jenny :
I have epilepsy, which is under control and everything, but for some reason I still get really upset over people making comments and jokes about it. I’ve spoken to my mom about it, but she doesn’t seem to care. I don’t know how to tell people to back off, but in a really polite way.
– Colletta from Johannesburg, South Africa
Dear Colletta from the other side of the world: I wrote in a previous blog post about haters and why people say mean things. There is never a time that the person throwing an insult is not talking about themselves in one way or another. Love who you are, love what you see. Hate who you are, hate what you see – every single time.
As someone who has been assaulted with verbal insults, I can now easily separate myself from taking anything personally.
So this post is really about me?
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November 11
Dear Jenny :
I have two kids in elementary school and I am friendly with the other moms. However, they keep inviting me to these “shopping parties” where I am supposed to go and have small talk and buy something (so that they get free stuff). I hate these parties – I don’t enjoy small talk (it feels phony to me), and I don’t need any overpriced candles, kitchen gadgets, jewelry, monogrammed bags, skin care, etc. How do I politely tell people I am not at all interested in going and to please stop inviting me?
– Louise from Bethlehem, Pa.
Jenny says: You’re not alone. Believe me. I’ve been invited to plenty of those kinds of parties. I used to go, buy a vanilla-scented candle, small talk and then head home. Then I would give that same vanilla candle to the host as her birthday present.
Well, that’s one way to not get invited back. Do you have to go poopie? Tell me when you have to go poopie.
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Comments welcome.
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See also: The Real Reasons Why Jenny McCarthy And Brian Urlacher Broke Up
Posted on December 19, 2012