By Natasha Julius
A Special Edition
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Death Notice
In the wake of the shockingly apt accidental death of roofing billionaire Ken Hendricks, the Weekend Desk Holiday Disaster Team has issued alerts for the following public figures.
1. Having succumbed to a surge in infection, President Bush will deny his rising fever until it’s far too late.
2. Sam Zell will be crushed while dismantling a printing press.
3. Despite a detailed explanation of his symptoms, doctors won’t know what to make of Mitt Romney’s sudden decline.
4. After underestimating the amount of time required, Barack Obama will consume too much half-baked bread.
5. Roger Clemens will be shot in the ass.
6. Friends of Governor Rod Blagojevich will throw him under a Hannah Montana tour bus somewhere far away from Springfield.
7. Cook County Board President Todd Stroger will continue to drown at an unbelievably slow rate.
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It’s the 10th day of Christmas!
Then again, every day is Christmas at the Beachwood!
Give the gift of the Beachwood!
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We’re here for you all weekend and through the holiday. Settle in with our guide to the college bowl season and wager appropriately. Play the Bears Drinking Game to make watching them finish out their sorry season, um, bearable. And don’t forget stocking stuffers for your favorite players.
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Beachwood season greetings:
– Dear Macy’s: The Walnut Room sucks!
– Dear Oprah: Don’t do it!
– Dear Patti Blagojevich: Congratulations!
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From the holiday vault:
– Home for the Holidays: Start from the bottom!
– 20 Carols
– A Poem For The Children On The Subject Of Gluttony
– Barista! The Gift Card That Saved Christmas
– Day in the Life: Christmas Radio
– The Hester Man Can!
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And finally, this one goes out to all our Jewish friends out there.
Posted on December 23, 2007