It’s time once again for the Beachwood’s annual inimitable college bowl preview. Let this be your guide.
*
Game: The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Date: December 20
Teams: Utah vs. Navy
Prediction: Navy is overdrawn. Mormons have momentum. Utah by three touchdowns.
*
Game: The R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Date: December 21
Teams: Memphis vs. Florida Atlantic
Prediction: Those are some mean-ass owls. FAU by eight.
*
Game: The Papajohns.com Bowl
Date: December 22
Teams: Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati
Prediction: The Golden Eagles ought to be more at home here in Birmingham. Besides, they’ve already ordered a few dozen Papa John’s pizzas to the hotel rooms of the Cincinnati players, ensuring a logey opponent with little desire to do anything but sleep. Southern Miss by a polite dozen.
*
Game:: The New Mexico Bowl
Date: December 22
Teams: Bill Richardson vs. Tom Tancredo
Prediction: Believe me, that would be far more interesting than the assigned Nevada-New Mexico matchup. We’ll take Nevada in an upset just because it’s not fair that the Lobos get to play at home. Same for Tancredo.
*
Game: The Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl
Date: December 22
Teams: UCLA vs. BYU
Prediction: BYU in a walk. If Mormons were allowed to drink caffeine, it would be BYU in a run.
*
Game: The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Date: December 22
Teams: Boise State vs. East Carolina
Prediction: When Boise State can’t play on their blue home field, they bring little blue pills on the road to simulate the experience. Broncos beat the spread. (Fun fact: The Boise State Pavilion is now the Taco Bell Arena.)
*
Game: The Motor City Bowl
Date: December 26
Teams: Purdue vs. Central Michigan
Prediction: The Chippewas get the home state crowd but the Boilermakers get the better recruits. Purdue pulls away and takes the victory lap.
*
Game: The Pacific Life Holiday Bowl
Date: December 27
Teams: Arizona State vs. Texas
Prediction: The Sun Devils’ claim will be denied. Longhorns cash in.
*
Game: The Champs Sports Bowl
Date: December 28
Teams: Boston College vs. Michigan State
Prediction: This used to be the Citrus Bowl. That makes us sad. We preferred the old days before the BCS came along as a half-assed way to crown a formal national champion. In conjunction with heinous naming rights, a textbook study in degrading the brand value of the original bowls. Spartans in a squeaker.
*
Game: The Texas Bowl
Date: December 28
Teams: TCU vs. Houston
Prediction: Like religion, this one is more a hope than anything based on reality: Houston because we’re tired of Christians.
*
Game: The Emerald Bowl
Date: December 28
Teams: Maryland vs. Oregon State
Predictions: Previously the San Francisco Bowl and the Diamond Walnut San Francisco Bowl. With just one exception in its five-year history, the West Coast team has always lost. Vote Terrapin.
*
Game:The Meineke Car Care Bowl
Date: December 29
Teams: UConn vs. Wake Forest
Prediction: In a first among bowl games, the teams will play basketball in the second half. Winner will face winner of the AutoZone Liberty Bowl in the new Days of Thunder series.
Game: The AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Date: December 29
Teams: UCF vs. Mississippi State
Prediction: Because your car deserves to be free.
*
Game: The PetroSun Independence Bowl
Date: December 29
Teams: Alabama vs. Colorado
Prediction: Formerly the Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl. Because an Independence Bowl ought to be named after an oil and gas supplier.
*
Game: The Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Date: December 31
Teams: California vs. Air Force
Prediction: I think we can all see what’s going on here.
*
Game: The Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl
Date: December 31
Teams: Georgia Tech vs. Fresno State
Prediction: Bono will perform at halftime. No, seriously, Roady’s is a truck stop chain. So Angelina Jolie will perform at halftime.
*
Game: The Brut Sun Bowl
Date: December 31
Teams: South Florida vs. Oregon
Prediction: Boy that stadium’s gonna stink.
*
Game: The Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl
Date: December 31
Teams: Kentucky vs. Florida State
Prediction: A Southern rock free-for-all. We give the edge to Florida State mainly due to Molly Hatchett, but Tom Petty’s last three decades of lameness almost do them in.
*
Game: The Insight Bowl
Date: December 31
Teams: Indiana vs. Oklahoma State
Prediction: Marx in a walk.
*
Game: The Chick-fil-A Bowl
Date: December 31
Teams: Clemson vs. Auburn
Prediction: We can’t think of anything we’d rather do more on New Year’s Eve than watch this exciting matchup.
*
Game: The Outback Bowl
Date: January 1
Teams: Wisconsin vs. Tennessee
Prediction: This used to be called the Hall of Fame Bowl until the nation of Australia began sponsoring it.
*
Game: The AT&T Cotton Bowl
Date: January 1
Teams: Missouri vs. Arkansas
Prediction: The winners get two-year cell phone contracts. The losers get three-year contracts.
*
Game: The Konica Minolta Gator Bowl
Date: January 1
Teams: Texas Tech vs. Virginia
Prediction: Previously the Toyota Gator Bowl and the Mazda Gator Bowl until the printer industry perfected the planned obsolescence that car companies once did so well.
*
Game: The Capital One Bowl
Date: January 1
Teams: Michigan vs. Florida
Prediction: The winner will get to pummel David Spade into the turf. Michigan is slightly distracted so we think the Gators will get to do the honors.
*
Game: The Rose Bowl presented by Citi
Date: January 1
Teams: Illinois vs. USC
Prediction: If this game doesn’t finish on time, both teams will be charged interest on their share of the gate.
*
Game: The Allstate Sugar Bowl
Date: January 1
Teams: Hawaii vs. Georgia
Prediction: Because when you think of sugar, you think of insurance. Hawaii just for the fun of it.
*
Game: The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Date: January 2
Teams: Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
Prediction: Did you know Tostitos are a Frito-Lay product? It’s true. We find that mildly interesting, which is more interesting than we find this game. Did you know that former Bears quarterback Craig Krenzel was a two-time Fiesta Bowl MVP? It’s true. And did you know that former Bears quarterback Peter Tom Willis is also a former Fiesta Bowl MVP? These Tostitos are making me thirsty.
*
Game: The FedEx Orange Bowl
Date: January 3
Teams: Virginia Tech vs. Kansas
Prediction: The loser is forced to accept evolution.
*
Game: The International Bowl
Date: January 5
Teams: Rutgers vs. Ball State
Prediction: Because nothing says international like Rutgers vs. Ball State. The winning team receives passports.
*
Game: The GMAC Bowl
Date: January 6
Teams: Bowling Green vs. Tulsa
Prediction: Winners get automatic bid to next year’s Meinecke Car Care Bowl.
*
Game: The Allstate BCS Championship Game
Date: January 7
Teams: LSU vs. Ohio State
Prediction: LSU doesn’t deserve to be in this game, but justice will be done anyway as Ohio State is the best team in the land. Free insurance polices to the winners do not cover acts of God or the NCAA.
Posted on December 19, 2007