By J.J. Tindall
CARNIVALE
I hate my hurt
I hate my lies
I crave light wait
I crave lightness
I crave release
from the heft
of dreams, from the cruel
realities of
desire
Posted on June 29, 2009
Tuition Tales
By The Beachwood Tuition Oversight Affairs Desk
The University of Illinois is increasing its tuition. Here are some ways they might spend the extra revenue.
* Upgrade clout list software
* Put finishing touches on new clout major
* Refinance hush fund
Posted on June 26, 2009
At Your Service: First Dates And Foot Massages
By Patty Hunter
The last week was pretty uneventful. I only got yelled at twice on the phone by complete strangers, I didn’t drop anything on anybody, and only had two people leave gum on their plate. The kitchen didn’t even crash and burn. How did I possibly make it through the week, then, without the drama that fuels me? I don’t think I could have without the kind, thoughtful words of co-workers.
I work with my future brother-in-law. He is my rock at the restaurant. He has kept me from quitting or getting fired more times than I could possibly count. He switches stations with me if I’m scheduled to work an area that gets larger groups of people (there are only so many idiots I want to deal with at once) and listens to me bitch about his brother. He provides entertainment for his fellow employees, he plays pranks on the managers, mimics the unstable cooks, scares customers, and offers constant pearls of wisdom.
Posted on June 24, 2009
Celebrating Olympic Day
By The Beachwood Hokey Celebrations Affairs Desk
Today is “Olympic Day,” and Chicago 2016 officials have a fun-filled day in store for you. So do we.
* Buy something you can’t afford on your credit card
* Tell your spouse not to worry about your checking account because you’re going to buy an insurance policy as a buffer.
* Put some skin in the game. Tell Vito on Grand Avenue that the Beachwood sent you.
Posted on June 23, 2009
The Salad Bar Series: Sultan’s Market
By Marilyn Ferdinand
Restaurant: Sultan’s Market
Location: 2057 W. North Ave.
Description: This small, self-serve eatery features a large salad bar and grill items served by a crew that spoons, slices, and dishes everything from gyros to falafel to soups and rice dishes. The salad bar is charged by weight ($5.99 per pound). Indoor and outdoor seating is available.
Sneeze Guard: Each section is covered on all sides but the front by a glass box. Adequate guard for sneezes, but pretty wide opening would allow things to fall in. Unwrapped plastic tableware could make germaphobes uneasy.
Posted on June 22, 2009
The Five Dumbest Ideas Of The Week
This week we salute the recession’s contribution to dumb ideas, born out of desperation and way too much free time.
1. British Airways apparently missed the memo that, by definition, work is not something you do for free. The top brass wants its workforce of 40,000 to kick in up to a month’s pay to put the company in the black.
The only consolation is that the company’s CEO waived his bonus last year, which leaves him with a measly base salary of approximately $1.2 million.
2. Headhunter Joe Sales was out of a job when he came up with the idea for the iTie – a men’s tie with an itty bitty pocket in the back for your IPod, ID card, business cards or M&Ms. His initial investment was $25,000. We think it’s an improvement over this, but not by much.
Posted on June 19, 2009
At Your Service: Tales From The Front
By Patty Hunter
From the trenches of a Chicago pizzeria:
For as busy and understaffed as we were last night at work, and as sick, it went pretty well. No one made any major mistakes, there were no fights, we ran out of most of our appetizers and a majority of our light beers. But there is no night, ever, that does not provide an anecdote. My favorite from yesterday? There was a woman in her mid 20s with her mother and grandmother that provided a great reason why we should not always listen to our parents. I will provide the dialogue.
Me to the daughter: “What may I get you to drink?”
Polite daughter to me: “Can I have . . . ”
Mother interrupting her polite daughter: “Don’t ask her, you TELL her what you want.”
Daughter to mother: “Fine.”
Daughter to me: “I want…”
[Mother smiles and nods to herself]
So . . . now we teach our children how to not have manners?
Posted on June 17, 2009
Cab #2564
Date: 6/11/09
From: Wicker Park
To: South Loop
The Cab: Well-maintained but the slight odor of cleanser mixed with something else, possibly vomit. Let me check Texts From Last Night to see if this cab shows up anywhere.
The Driver: A rarity these days in that he had the radio on. Maybe he doesn’t have any cabbie friends to talk to.
ANNOUNCER: “Go to Joliet.com! The fun, the friends, the excitement!”
Driver #2564 is mostly a calm, hands at the ten-and-two kind of guy. He has a sparkling gothic cross in his right ear. He drank from a green can that was probably Sprite.
“And the walls, come tumbling down . . . “
It’s The Drive. This ride will be narrated by Classic Rock.
Posted on June 15, 2009
The Five Dumbest Ideas Of The Week
By Stephanie B. Goldberg
1. This week we learned that the most efficient way to reach a state or orgasmic zen does not involve slipping a rope around your genitals.
Grasshopper, as you peer down from the cosmos and reckon the grief that attended your death, not to mention the invasion of your poor ex-wife’s privacy and all the lame jokes that will commemorate your passing, don’t you regret not just using Craigslist?
2. Simon Cowell announced he plans to remake Saturday Night Fever, with Zac Efron as Tony Manero. Which will only work if Lindsay Lohan is cast as the love interest and Sam Ronson as the DJ.
Posted on June 12, 2009
At Your Service: Don’t Be A Dick
By Patty Hunter
People love to eat food they didn’t have to prepare and don’t have to clean up. It is a little vacation from kitchens with dirty counters and smelly garbage cans. It is a chance to eat food you know you could never prepare by yourself with your George Foreman Grill and subpar cookware. Those stories about your cute little waitress who showed you pictures of her dog do make great stories at the office.
On the other hand, do you have any idea how the restaurant staff perceives you? You probably had no idea what we were saying about you out of earshot. Can you even imagine what goes on in the kitchen? Yes, your food came out awesome. But chances are, the cook that night is a cokehead, the busser was hungover, your server hated your guts and the host warned everyone about what a pain you were. We’re half actors and half prostitutes in the serving industry.
Posted on June 10, 2009