By Natasha Julius
Stories we’d really rather not keep an eye on this weekend, but we just can’t turn away.
‘Roids of Summer
The Major League Baseball season opens this weekend, which means it’s time for another ham-fisted, bacon-armed and pork-bellied attempt to clean up the sport. It’d be shooting fish in a barrel for us to predict how this investigation will play out given that the actual investigating has already been done, but let’s just say we’re pretty confident Japan is going to win this thing.
You’ve Got Appoint . . .
Plausible deniability got in a nice 10K training run this week when reports emerged that Gov. Rod Blagojevich had met Claudette Marie Muhammad prior to her controversial appointment to a state anti-discrimination commission. However it seems the governor meets far too many people to remember any of them, even those he subsequently appoints to high-profile positions. And we applaud him for this. After all, if employers were expected to remember all the people they hire we never would’ve landed this sweet gig. So get down wit’ your forgetful self, Rod.
(Although, for the record, you’re still on your own with that Daily Show thing.)
Justice DeLayed
In the wake of news that a former top aide to Tom DeLay pleaded guilty to conspiracy and agreed to cooperate with a federal corruption probe, we will begin mapping out the plausible deniability marathon route this weekend and apply for the necessary permits.
Go With Your Gut
When a movie studio takes more than 10 years to produce the sequel to a successful film, it’s generally not because the filmmakers are having trouble deciding which brilliant ideas to include. In fact, it’s usually because the filmmakers have run out of things to say, or because it took them that long to forget what a cheesy train wreck the first film was. Either way, kids, if a pretty blonde lady offers you candy this weekend, we advise you to run.
Heaven Is A Place On Earth
Here at Beachwood Weekend Desk HQ, we’ve been saying for years that the road to heaven is paved with empty pizza boxes. We just didn’t think they’d be from frickin’ Domino’s. So this weekend we’ll be taking our good intentions over by the road to hell. At least we can score a decent slice of deep dish.
Posted on April 1, 2006