By Eric Emery

Here is the deal with bad ideas: you’d think people would have the good sense to avoid them. After a quick check of the stats before the Denver game, one finds that Devin Hester leads the team in TDs. That’s noteworthy for a RB or WR, but crazy for somebody who excels in a facet least known for scoring. When your starting QB has fewer TD passes than a Return Specialist, perhaps the squib kick is your best option. To quote Clint Eastwood in Magnum Force, a man’s got to know his limitations.
Just in case it needs to be said again: Don’t kick to Devin Hester and don’t do any of the following either.
* Start a land war in Asia or the Middle East during the winter. Or without an exit plan.
* When running for President, address Hillary Clinton as “The Honorable Skank from New York.”
* Play the song “Dominic the Donkey” even if you’re trying to get the song stuck in somebody else’s head.

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Posted on November 29, 2007

By Eric Emery

My first job out of college: Drug and alcohol abuse counselor in the state of Wisconsin. Talk about an uphill battle. It’s probably easier to be a dictation coach for W. In the course of talking with those in the system, we’d state that it’s important to replace the behaviors associated with using drugs and alcohol with new behaviors. Here’s the problem: Gardening and stamp collecting failed to hold the excitement of those who did things like break into houses or start bar fights.
This advice does work, though, for a fan base hitting rock bottom. Here are the most common Kool-Aid Nation behaviors, and recommended replacement behaviors.
*
Current Behavior: Yelling at the TV.
Replacement Behavior: Redirect anger to your dysfunctional family.
*
Current Behavior: Getting incensed reading every Bears column written by local sportswriters.
Replacement Behavior: Getting incensed reading every Cubs column written by local sportswriters.

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Posted on November 23, 2007

By Eric Emery

The Bears have finally figured out the offensive formula that works for them: Keeping it simple. Brian Griese is too complicated to be the Bears’ quarterback; he’s a thinker, and he knows the entire playbook. Rex Grossman knows how to win with one quick strike and go home. One-dimensional is the name of the game. Just look at Cedric Benson. I think the Bears like how he just runs into the line and falls down. Don’t get too fancy. Let the defense do its thing.
And can everyone get off Brian Urlacher’s case? One-word answers suit him. Stop filling his head with complete sentences. Simple, people. Keep it simple. That’s the Bears way.

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Posted on November 16, 2007

By Eric Emery

If you’re a Bears fan, there’s something you realize about halfway through each season: Math stinks. To make the playoffs, you need at least nine wins. So at the least, the Bears need to win six of their last eight to have a chance. And at that point, you might as well mail in the season because the Bears would be entering the playoffs as the sixth seed. The only team that parlays the sixth seed into a Super Bowl win is the Pittsburgh Steelers.
So let’s face it, the Bears need to go 7-1 or 8-0 to prolong the season. What are the chances? Let’s take a look into the Beachwood crystal ball.
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Week 10: At Oakland
Beachwood Prediction: Raiders work best at sea on a boat. Bears are surprisingly great swimmers, leaving the Raiders defenseless. Besides, Al Davis is really, really old.
Winner: Bears
Week 11: At Seattle
Beachwood Prediction: Seahawks and Bears compete for the same resource: fish. So either the Seahawks go hungry or tempt fate by swooping down for the tasty salmon. Besides, with the game moving to the afternoon, the home fans will be without their requisite 1000 mg of caffeine.
Winner: Bears

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Posted on November 9, 2007

By Eric Emery

There’s one weekend every year that prevents me from watching a significant amount of football: My wedding anniversary. I admit, then, that I did not watch the Bears’ last game. I understand, though, that the Bears played like microwaved monkey turds.
I did get a chance, though, to watch Saturday Night Live last weekend. Like the Bears fan who keeps watching all the way through a four-interception performance, I believe that if I watch an entire episode of SNL, something good will eventually happen, even though it rarely does. Even if – like the Bears offensive game plan – I’m watching a rerun I already know is doomed.
That’s not all Saturday Night Live has in common with the Bears. Let’s take a look.

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Posted on November 2, 2007