By Natasha Julius
We hate to start the Report with something as dull and irrelevant as real news, but Barack Obama’s important announcement that he’s “somebody who is not engaged in any wrongdoing . . . and who [we] can trust” broke awfully late on Friday. We’re sure he wouldn’t want any of us to miss this just because we’ll all be drunk this weekend, right?
Now that’s out of the way, back to the crucial work at hand.
Market Update
Markets were rattled this week as blue-chip stocks including Established Dignitaries and Spiritual Advisors posted unexpected losses. Analysts remained upbeat, however, noting that the current buying frenzy should continue for a few more months at least.
Ettu, Scarlett?
We all know she’s got a new album she’d like to promote, but we didn’t think she’d take it this far.
Spitzer? They Hardly Knew ‘Er!
And with that introduction, it’s time to announce the full bracket for this year’s Still-Employed Elected Official Invitational. We’ll start with the tantalizing mid-seed match-up and work our way to the top.
#4 Richard Daley vs. #5 Ray Nagin
We can’t help but think if you combined Daley’s penchant for building things no one needs where no one wants them with Nagin’s inability to build much at all, you might wind up with a half-decent city.
#3 Rob Blagojevich vs. #6 Sally Kern
Kern has made a strong push to get into the ball, but there’s no room for Cinderella when Uncle Tony’s on trial.
#2 George Bush vs. #7 Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
We know “elected” is a relative term in both cases, but this contest will be all about how they can hurt you. Would you rather be blown to Kingdom Come or slowly suffocated? It’s a tough call, but the warheads might just pull the upset.
#1 Kwame Kilpatrick vs. #8 Ted Stevens
You’ve got to admire the perennially plucky “Intertube” Stevens, but even the Bridge to Nowhere can’t save him from this year’s overwhelming tournament favorite. And, frankly, we’re not sure he should try all that hard. It takes a lot to make Elliot Spitzer look like a good guy. Congratulations, Kwame. This year’s title is yours for the taking.
Say It Ain’t Bo
We end this week with a somber note of caution: the world stands to be a lot less funny if this turns out to be the mysterious Client 10.
Posted on March 15, 2008