By Natasha Julius
Would you mind shoveling our sidewalk while we watch the news? We can’t be two places at once, you know. Thanks, you’re a peach.
Market Update
Not a bad week to grow food. However, analysts warn it’s not the greatest time to eat it.
Under the Mitchelltoe
President Bush this week urged caution in the wake of the newly-released Mitchell Report, asking that members of the public not “jump to any conclusions on individual players named” until they have been properly detained and interrogated. And since any evidence of such interrogations will be duly destroyed, it’s officially time to forget anything ever happened.
Crooked Cook?
After a tumultuous first year and another stinging rebuke over the distribution of funds, Todd Stroger announced this week he will dissolve Cook County.
High School Musical
The hot gossip around the lockers this week involves feisty North Korea’s intention to go all the way with America. This comes despite the revelation that the U.S. totally lied about what happened with Iran after the Homecoming dance. A bitter Mahmoud Ahmadinejad remarked, “It’s crazy. I can’t even walk through study hall without all the upperclassmen making cat calls at me and I didn’t even do anything!” Gushing North Korean despot Kim Jong Il giggled, “What can I say? He gave me this note in English and it was just so sweet. He said the rest of the world could wait for all he cared, just as long as things were good between us.”
Walk On
Once again on the local front, CTA workers have decided to call off a one-day walk out originally planned for Monday. Because, frankly, they weren’t sure we would notice.
Five Extended Arms
Finally this week, a note to the taxi drivers of Chicago: Sure, we’re watching you like hawks, but at least we’re not as bad as this guy.
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WEEKEND BONUS!
– Day 2 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas: Little George Bush
– Day 3 of The 12 Days of Beachwood Christmas: Hillary, Hillary
– And feel free to catch up on the week’s Papers and the Weekend Desk Report archive!
Posted on December 15, 2007