By The Weekend Desk B Team
While Weekend Desk Editor Natasha Julius is on assignment with Rod Blagojevich for her upcoming report Weekend With The Governor – it turns out his weekends are a lot like his weekdays; you know, a lot of puttering around the house – the rest of us underlings are keeping an eye on the following stories for you over the next couple of days.
Brain Scan
A new National Intelligence Estimate has concluded that President Bush doesn’t have any.
Pen Pals
President Bush has written a letter to North Korea strongman Kim Jong-il begging him to continue his nuclear weapons program so somebody in the Axis of Evil is actually a threat.
White Phone
First Daughter Jenna Bush gave her dad a call from the set of Ellen this week and, lo and behold, her mom answered and handed the phone over to the president. “Are you mad, dad?” Jenna asked. “No,” the president said, “I’m just sitting here writing a letter to Kim Jong-il. Let me run this by you and see what you think. Dear Kim . . . ”
Religious Freedom
Mitt Romney gave a speech about religious liberty this week in an attempt to soothe the fears of voters who are absolutely freaked out by Mormonism’s tenet that Jesus will not only return to set up a thousand-year kingdom on Earth, but that he will do so in Jackson County, Missouri. Romney noted that some scholars translating ancient texts think the kingdom will actually be based in Des Moines, Iowa, while others say Manchester, New Hampshire.
CIA MIA
It was revealed this week that the CIA destroyed videotapes of suspected terrorist interrogations that could have been used as evidence of the torture we know they did but the president denies. The CIA says they weren’t destroying evidence, however; they were just showing suspects what would happen to them if they didn’t cooperate.
Torture Tax
The city of Chicago has agreed to pay out $19.8 million to four African-American men who were tortured by the Chicago Police Department. The police department maintains that they weren’t torturing the suspects; they were just showing the suspects what would happen if they didn’t cooperate.
Mayor MIA
So that’s why the mayor is in Italy.
Bail Bondsman
Barry Bonds pleaded not guilty this week to federal charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. Bonds also denied once again ever knowingly using steroids; instead, he said, he was just showing his muscles what would happen if they didn’t cooperate.
Bear Down
Bears coach Lovie Smith was also reportedly traveling to Italy.
Grammy Mammy
Amy Winehouse garnered six Grammy nominations this week including one for Best Sad Sorry Spectacle and another in Best Fucked-Up Chick Singer Whom The Media Loves To Alternately Glamorize And Scold As They Exploit Her Deep Personal Problems For Ratings And Newsstand Sales.
Snow Job
Finally, snow made a rare appearance this week in Chicago and citizens were completely caught unaware of what to do with the strange, icy substance. Thankfully, the media brought it’s “A” game to the table and calmed the hordes with such soothing advice as “Traffic may be moving a bit slower today” and “Remember, if you have a heart condition, be careful shoveling.” Because there’s a good chance we might have forgotten!
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Posted on December 8, 2007