By Natasha Julius
Our extra-special Evel Knievel Memorial Edition.
Market Update
Eternally humane Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson has announced a plan to delay the inevitable ripping off of the Band-Aid for a few years, hopefully giving Americans more time to heal. Unfortunately for Chicago, it ain’t our only bandage.
County Your Pennies
Of course, Band-Aids aren’t all that effective against suppurating flesh wounds anyway.
Puttin’ On the Oil
Responding to very real threats from a pack of school-yard bullies, the U.S. House of Representatives announced plans this week for a leaner, meaner auto fleet . . . someday. “Just wait until 2020,” Speaker Nancy Pelosi emphatically stated. “They’ll have 40% less of us to push around.”
Thank Sinking Feeling
Leave it to the U.N. to rain all over Pelosi’s parade, pointing out that 40% of America’s roads will likely be under water by then anyway.
Snow Hawk
State-wide dirt bag Rod Blagojevich has weighed in on the pending Mitchell Report by playing hooky in an entirely new way. “I prefer to watch a game that wasn’t rigged,” he oozed, leading officials in Springfield to speculate Blago may actually turn up for work this summer. Skeptics, however, still point out he’s never had a problem with a rigged game before.
Wait ‘Til Next Year
Meanwhile, fans of the city’s second-most cursed sports franchise and sincerely hoping Blago leaves his shitty luck on the North side.
Posted on December 1, 2007