By Natasha Julius
We regret to announce that, after the loss of our appeal, the Weekend Desk has been stripped of its archive.
Market Update
At least three of the Four Horsemen are now out the motherfuckin’ barn. Shit’s bad, people.
Bank of Dad
Noting the moderate rebound in Dow Jones Industrial Average this week, Bank of Dad Chairman Ben Bernanke insisted he’s not bailing us out of this latest mess. Someday we’re going to have to learn to sink or swim on our own. He just doesn’t want us showing up empty-handed this Christmas.
Blackwater Mark
Mattel this week issued an unprecedented apology to China this week, saying it never should’ve allowed Blackwater to handle its investigation into tainted toys. Some Chinese officials expressed skepticism, however, noting the controversial contractor is already back at work.
Some Are Freer Than Others
In response to customer complaints, Southwest Airlines has announced it will amend its famous “cattle-call” seating arrangement. Customers queuing for seats on Southwest flights will now be assigned numbers based on the amount of free publicity they are likely to generate.
Defending the Caveman
Perhaps sensing blood in the water, Osama bin Laden this week issued another video manifesto. The new appeal calls on the oppressed to overthrow their cruel dictator. And like all great video artists before him, even those most vocally opposed to his views, Osama already has his copy-cats.
Doubting Bob
In related news, secretary of defense Robert Gates this week said he’s not sure the United States was right to intervene in Lindsay Lohan’s affairs. Gates noted that earlier engagements were progressing toward inescapable quagmire status well before we launched that assault.
Ay, There’s The Rib
Of course, none of the above bodes well for our chances of involvement in Darfur given the growing instability of that region.
Keg Stand on Your Own
Finally this week, we knew our idea for a keg-stand lift would take off eventually. Retirement, here we come!
Posted on September 22, 2007