By Natasha Julius
Don’t worry. Everything is still just fine.
Market Update
Markets soared this week on the unexpected news that, despite copious evidence to the contrary, we are totally winning. Just remember, success is always a little costly.
Juice Wins!
In related news, O.J. Simpson has announced he is a victim of his own success.
Earth Wins!
In more related news, scientists have discovered that international shipping has won the war on ice. Also tallying encouraging victories? Potatoes, fast-swimming polar bears, and, surprisingly, Big Oil.
Morality Wins!
In still more related news, Southwest Airlines has announced this week another victory in the seemingly intractable War on Hotties.
Steve Wins!
In totally related, happy news, Richard Branson has announced that Steve Fossett has won the War on Death.
We win!
And finally, in the most impressively related news of all, Governor Blagojevich has announced that he has won the War for Transit. Or was that the War on Transit? Whatever; everything is fine until November.
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Natasha Julius’s Weekend Desk Reports are stored here, with The Papers. Join the Beachwood Archivists Club and read them all!
Posted on September 15, 2007