By Natasha Julius
Sorry I’ve been gone so long this month. It took me a while to get over the Baconator.
A New Low
The Weekend Desk Sports Book would like to issue an apology. It appears we closed the betting on the Lunatic Attorney General race a touch too early. We honestly didn’t think anyone could top the Patriot Act, Son of the Patriot Act and that whole freaky calico cat thing. But you’ve got to admit, brow-beating your predecessor in his hospital room is going to be pretty tough to beat.
Shift of Power
Vice President Dick Cheney will undergo minor surgery this weekend to replace the battery in his cold, metal heart. President Bush will assume control of the nation during the procedure.
A Note of Clarity
As we’ve noted frequently in this space, it can be difficult to distinguish between the mess being made in Iraq and the mess being made by Lindsay Lohan. Just remember, in Iraq people are getting jacked and car-bombed. In Malibu, Lohan is getting bombed and car-jacking people.
The Other Sister
Tired of being overshadowed by Lohan’s spectacular implosion, Nicole Richie has announced she will drag all 23 of her South Korean hostages off to <ahref=”http: news.bbc.co.uk=”” 2=”” hi=”” entertainment=”” 6919749.stm”=”” target=”_blank”>the friggin’ big house with her if that what it takes to get a little damn attention.
Defensive Tactics, Part 1
Meanwhile, LiLo’s defense team has hit on a novel strategy to solve her latest legal hiccup. Lawyers now contend her alcohol-fueled car chase was simply preparation for an upcoming film role.
Defensive Tactics, Part 2
Worn down by months of bad publicity, NASA has now admitted it sometimes lets astronauts get their payload on. However representatives of the agency contend that, given the rather high likelihood the rickety old tin cans the crew are piloting will fail catastrophically, it’d be rather cruel to keep them sober.
And Finally . . .
We’re not sure what the hell to do with this. We’re not even sure it’s funny. Oh, wait. Actually, yes it is.</ahref=”http:>
Posted on July 28, 2007