By Natasha Julius
Despite a few minor sticking points, we’re ready to present a unified front on the key stories this weekend.
Market Report
Investor confidence sagged this week as the resignation of Paul Wolfowitz from the World Bank failed to boost share prices in Government Credibility. Analysts, however, pointed to poor performance data from the Montana State Legislature, which continues to defend marriage against the perceived threat of homosexuality while exposing its soft underbelly to greedy straight people. No wonder potential shareholders are confused.
AG-gravated Assault
With the overwhelming favorite now out of the race, the Beachwood Reporter Weekend Desk has shortened the odds on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales ahead of this weekend’s Preakness. Gonzales now stands at 1-5 to leave the post early.
EuroBlindness
Meanwhile, MPs in Great Britain this week moved to completely dismantle one of the great sources of regional stability within Europe, saying the lack of tension and violence posed a threat to global credibility. Somehow we have a feeling the seeds of discord will be easy to sew anew.
Research Pit
Scientists announced this week they have at last answered one of the 10 great burning questions that has plagued mankind throughout history. Next up, why we always leave the Laundromat with an odd number of socks.
Split Squads
In the NHL’s Eastern Conference Finals this weekend, the Ottawa Senators seem poised to complete a surprisingly straight-forward ouster of the top-seeded Buffalo Sabres. With the Western Conference Finals still a long way from settled, Senators coach Bryan Murray has announced plans to let the team tear itself apart in preparation for the Championship round.
The Song Remains the Same
Finally this week, duh. But at least he has better hair.
Posted on May 19, 2007