By Natasha Julius
The Weekend Desk got a little lost on the way to Vegas last week. Thank goodness we made it back in time to keep tabs on the really massive stories unfolding before us.
Market Update
There was a massive shake-up in the Baseless Suburban Panic index this week as blue-chip earners including Immigration and Racial Diversity saw their earnings siphoned off by innovative newcomer Sidewalks. While the impressive opening had investors itching to buy in, analysts predict Childhood Obesity will emerge as the long-term winner.
Smoke and Mirrors
Despite appearing together at a number of public events, President Bush and the Queen of England were unable to convince several expert observers that they are not the same person. Leading skeptics cite each head of state’s legendary ability to stay the course at exactly the wrong time, as well as the unusually high rate of attrition amongst each leader’s underlings. Most experts, however, point to the distinct lack of Queenisms as hard proof they are in fact separate entities.
Change or Die
We like to keep ourselves bitter and cynical here at the Weekend Desk, but even we’ve got to tip our hats to the innovative spirit of Merck Pharmaceuticals. When no one wants to pump your expensive new vaccine into their prepubescent children, find yourself a whole new market!
Sushisamba Real
The Sun-Times this week exposed a wide-ranging fraud in the world of big-city sushi. Oh, Sun-Times. It could be so much worse. We hear soon the fish will be coming pre-cooked.
Joyless Division
In other news, duh.
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Posted on May 12, 2007