By Steve Rhodes
Filling in for Weekend Desk Chief Natasha Julius, who is rolling the bones in Las Vegas this weekend on behalf of The Beachwood Media Company’s pension fund.
Auditism
Big Skim Thompson has been named audit committee chairman of The Beachwood Media Company’s pension fund.
Pimps ‘n Ho’s
The Weekend Desk will be closely watching developments over the next 48 hours of HoGate, the latest sex scandal to emerge from the repressed, pathological wilds of Washington, D.C., where “thousands of officials from international and national agencies” including the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, and NASA reportedly used an escort service to live out their fantasies of being on the other side of doing anything for a buck.
French Stench
France goes to the polls this weekend to wreak revenge on the United States by electing its own version of George W. Bush in the ultimate existential comedy.
Paris Pokey
Paris Hilton told the court in her probation violation trial that she never read a license suspension notice sent to her because “I have people do that for me.”
She also didn’t read her plea agreement, saying, “I just sign what people tell me to sign,” she said.
She also acknowledged that she is still a virgin because “I have people do that for me too. Ick.”
Royal Plan
Negotiations between Dick Cheney and the Queen of England for the return of the monarchy to America continue over the weekend.
404 Not Found
Microsoft is in negotiations with Yahoo over plans to conduct an unprecedented search for a business strategy.
Derby Dash
Trainers for Kentucky Derby favorite Curlin are reviewing years of quotes from Cubs players and management for the best way to use bad weather as an excuse for not winning.
Bulls Eye
The Pistons have been installed as the favorite in their playoff series against the Bulls. Which is fine with Lou Piniella, who is recruiting Ben Wallace for the outfield.
From Beachwood HQ
* The Sci Fi Spectacular promises to be more fun than the frickin’ Kentucky Derby.
* Watch for a new Cub Factor on Monday morning.
* Catch up with last week’s Papers.
* Contact the Beachwood, if you’d like.
Posted on May 5, 2007