By Natasha Julius
Here are the stories that will shape our weekend.
Market Update
IBM appears set to weather the storm after the failure of its Big Boris operating system. Investors have expressed confidence in the strength of the company’s flagship Cheneybot brand. Meanwhile, Apple Corp’s plans to corner the youth market with a line of flashy but largely non-fuinctional androids continues to pay dividends.
Far From Home
U.S. authorities this week announced they have captured a major Iraqi al-Qaeda operative nowhere near Iraq. Just saying.
Oz Update
We appreciate the generosity, but the heart isn’t going to do the Scarecrow any good. He still needs a a brain, a soul, a conscience, and possibly a new attorney general.
Campaign ’08
Advisors for the top Democratic presidential hopefuls say they have found a novel way to dispense with the record-breaking sums in their campaign war chests: boring the crap out of potential voters in record-breaking time. Republicans reportedly plan to match the effort in the near future.
Governing Class
Meanwhile, panicked citizens this week called for the arrest of our nation’s state governors after a recent spate of high-risk behaviors including joy riding and eating disorders indicated a deep antisocial loathing coloring the ruling class. Oh wait, no . . . never mind. Our bad.
Bad For America
Finally, echoing what several incumbent Chicago aldermen have discovered, scientists this week presented hard evidence that Wal-Mart drives just about everything out of business.
Posted on April 28, 2007