By Natasha Julius
Market Update
The volatility of our own marketplace has launched myriad rumors, so it pains us to confirm that the Weekend Desk has been sold to Don Imus. Despite a late counter-offer from another well-known player, we concluded Imus was the only bidder in a position to fully leverage the colossal debt of all our bad jokes.
Selling Low
Actually, in retrospect, maybe we should’ve held out for an offer from this guy.
Three-Track Attack
Despite dire forecasts of a sudden drop in our quality of life, it turns out we were in Hell to begin with. So, you know, buck up!
Update from the Axis, Part 1
After several tense weeks of outlandish threats and empty posturing by all sides involved, Paris Hilton agreed to release 15 British naval officers she contends had strayed into her territorial waters some time ago. The officers in question, meanwhile, have confirmed what we have long suspected about the hotel hussie: bitch is cold!
Update from the Axis, Part 2
Meanwhile, apparently unwilling to intervene in the Hilton situation, Vice President Cheney continues to insist on a sinister link between two well-known purveyors of terrorism. For her part, alleged party to destruction Hilary Duff has downplayed the connection.
Update from the Axis, Part 3
Finally this week, it appears the United States has found a way to motivate its frequently reluctant partner in global stability. We caution against too much optimism, however. Britney’s bound to totally hate us by the end of next week.
Posted on April 7, 2007