By Natasha Julius
HOLIDAY WEEKEND UPDATE: SportsMonday: The Bears Number Is Up.
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HOLIDAY WEEKEND UPDATE: The Beachwood college football desk has finally delivered The World’s Greatest Season Preview. Remember, you are allowed to print this out and bring it with you to the betting window.
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The Weekend Desk Report
Please. Like we’re leaving the Weekend Desk with shit like this going down.
Market Update
Despite a rising unemployment rate, the economic outlook wasn’t all bad this week. The Incendiary Index outperformed expectations as its Rhetoric keeps getting emptier.
Super Downsize Me
The bulk of financial news this week remains dour, however, as even our nation’s King has been forced to accept a regency.
Palin Comparison
Noted physicist and author Stephen Hawking this week declared there is no room for God in the creation of the universe. After all, no higher power would’ve made such shitty excuses for stars.
In Other News . . .
. . . duh.
Roger Dodger
Alleged disciplinarian Roger Goodell has announced a reduction in the penalty given to All-Pro dirtbag Ben Roethlisberger. However, to assuage critics, Goodell has also announced the Steelers QB will be covered exclusively by Lindsay Lohan.
Eatin’ Good
The 33 Chilean miners trapped 2,300 feet underground received a stern warning this week not to consume any alcohol. Because, you know, the neighborhood Applebee’s is apparently stuck down there with them.
In Like Quinn
Finally this week, it’s not that the devil we know is such great shakes. We just thought the devil we don’t know would be sexier.
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The Weekend Desk Tip Line: Created out of nothing.
Posted on September 4, 2010