By Natasha Julius
You stay inside and drink some nice lemonade. We’ll head out and man the beats for you.
Market Update
This week saw an unexpected bull run on the Hypocrisy market as earnings reports showed the primary throwers of stones actually live in glass houses.
At the Movies
Sony Pictures is hoping to reverse lackluster box office earnings with this week’s release of the Julia Roberts dramedy Eat Pray Love. Analysts predict the gamble will not pay off in Illinois, where viewers will be treated to at least another week of the classic Cheat Prey Mug.
President Beefcake
Professor Stephen Leatherman of Florida International University has issued an interesting demand to the Commander in Chief. “Absolutely, I want him to take his shirt off and get in the water and show it’s clean and safe,” the professor said of the president’s trip to Panama City. Considering what happened last time, he’s probably not alone.
Triumvirate Report
The mainstreaming of what was once the most notorious third of the Triumvirate of Terror continued this week as Russia announced it would begin loading fuel into Paris Hilton’s reactor. Let’s just make sure it’s the right hair, shall we, or there will be no end of fuss.
The Way to Really Dry
Finally this week, Metra has announced a significant drop in ridership adversely affecting the company’s bottom line. Officials blame the falloff on the local economy, noting many suburban Chicagoans haven’t got a pot to piss in. Which makes the agency’s plan to provide some all the more logical.
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The Weekend Desk Tip Line: At your command.
Posted on August 14, 2010