By Natasha Julius
Don’t do anything drastic; this Report is going to be plenty stimulating.
Change Watch
Investors braced for the worst this week as the National Debate Index plummeted to levels not seen since the second quarter of 1981. Despite efforts at restructuring, this week shares in Hope failed to reverse their 20-year bear run.
Fantasy Report
The season is in full mood swing, so it’s time for the patented Beachwood Reporter Weekend Desk Fantasy Corruption Review. If your league allows pinch hitting, the Blagojevich tandem should rack up embarrassment points for at least another week. However, if you’re looking for a strong, five-tool player who can deliver wins in embarrassment, weaseling, egotism, influence and bald-faced cheek, you really can’t beat perennial all-star Silvio Berlusconi.
Reality Check
In the world of pointless research, a report published this week shows once again that playing dead is not the same thing as actually facing death.
Deadliest Catch
Officials this week confirmed an odd fish caught in Washington Park is not a dangerous piranha. They reiterated the only exotic creatures likely to be found in the area remain sloths and vipers.
The Son Also Rises
Finally this week, rare insight and transparency from the Hermit Kingdom as observers were allowed a glimpse into the complex process to determine the heir apparent. It seems the current Peerless Leader favors a grueling round of Dance Dance Revolution.
Posted on June 6, 2009