By The Weekend Desk B Team
Note: Weekend Desk Editor Natasha Julius is advising the NCAA Basketball Tournament Selection Committee on her unique bracket algorithms in order to ensure maximum enjoyment for all of America this year. The Weekend B Team is filling in on the desk to make sure no news goes unnoticed in her absence.
Bank of Beijing
We here at the Weekend Desk, for one, would like to welcome our new Chinese overlords. We’d like to remind them that, as a trusted news source, we could be helpful in rounding up others to work in your leaden toy factories and prison sweatshops.
Job Bank
Meanwhile, sources close to the Weekend Desk say that China has signed contracts with Operation Repo, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and Stewie Griffin to broadcast its attempts to collect on America’s debt. We were not able to confirm, however, rumors that President Obama would appear in the next commercial for freecreditreport.com.
Post-Earth
President Obama announced on Friday that his economic team was working on the creation of a “post-bubble” economic model. Separately, the president’s Council of Science Advisers said they were working on a post-gravity model, while the Justice Department announced it was working on a post-crime model. Each should be ready for publication in peer-reviewed academic journals by the time America is post-Obama.
First Lady Alert
Michelle Obama says she watches “non-important TV” when she wants to relax before bed. Ha! “Non-important TV!” Talk about an oxymoron.
Chicagolympics
The city’s Olympic committee has ditched its slogan “Stir the Soul” for the new “Let Friendship Shine.” Apparently “Stir the Soul” translated to “Stir Your Insides” in some languages. And in some precincts of Chicago, it translated to “Hold On To Your Wallet.” In some languages, “Let Friendship Shine” translates to “Let Friendship Pay” and is designed to assure both pals of the mayor and members of the IOC that the Chicago Way is alive and kicking butt.
Green River
Today’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade has been renamed the Willis Day Parade. Behave accordingly.
Elsewhere
* The Five Dumbest Ideas of the Week.
* CSI: Chumbolone.
* The Z Man’s Political Army.
* The Foreclosure Economy.
* On the Triple Crown Trail.
Footworkin’
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The Beachwood Tip Line: Post-tips.
Posted on March 14, 2009