By Natasha Julius
While you enjoy a summer of hot mollusk love in St. Tropez, we’ll be keeping an eye on the news.
Market Update
Don’t look now, but former blue chipper Civil Liberties just got delisted.
Summer Games
Every four years, the world enjoys watching a very special collection of sporting events. For our readers, we now present the Weekend Desk Sleaze Olympics update. Medal ceremonies have already taken place in such crowd-pleasing contests as Sinning and Modern Pandering. Meanwhile, a clear front-runner has emerged in the Synchronized Denial tournament.
Just a Flesh Wound
Local animal trainer Larry Dean this week downplayed the significance of an on-the-job tiger mauling, saying the multiple deep puncture wounds he received were “not that bad.” Officials have announced that, upon his release from hospital, Dean will be named White House press secretary.
Self-Medicating
In related news, a recent study has revealed Austin, Texas is America’s hardest-drinking city. Researchers suggest the town has “a whole lot of bad memories to forget.” Based on current trends, the team expects Springfield, Illinois to lap its southern competitor any day now.
Hang Ten
Of course, Detroit might overtake both state capitols in the long run.
Wind-Free Energy
Finally this week, an Australian scientist has suggested farming more kangaroos to replace greenhouse gas-producing animals such as cows and sheep. Analysts warn the marsupials eventually could decimate well-established human industries as well.
Posted on August 9, 2008