By Natasha Julius
We have a feeling we’ll go undrafted again this weekend, so that should leave plenty of time to watch the key stories.
Market Update
Apparently, it’s our fault the dollar’s in the shitter. We’re just not thinking enough happy thoughts. Come on, people! Let’s all take our government allowance and go buy some freakin’ optimism!
The Nouveau Pauvre
With soaring fuel prices and food rations becoming a part of the daily experience, Americans are now hoping to grab a seat at the global poverty table. However, some of the Old Poor powerhouses have not been quick to welcome the new upstart. “Four dollars for gas? Please,” sniffed the citizenry of Paris. “We were paying that way back in, like, 1954.”
“Look, we’re not saying they haven’t earned their poverty,” sub-Saharan Africa insisted, “It’s just that you have to have something to lose it all, you know?”
Meanwhile, southern Asia bristled at the notion of an American food crisis. “Oh, that’s rich,” Bangladesh cried, “what do they spend on food anyway? Like, 9 % of disposable income? Seriously, that’s pretty rich.”
Fueling the Race
Incidentally, we think we have a pretty good idea where all that food is going.
No Such Thing as a Free Ride
In other news, duh.
Quality, Not Quantity
Finally this week, the Chicago Police Department has found a novel way to combat the appalling increase in gun violence over the past month: get more guns. But, you know, totally fucking bitchin’ ones.
Posted on April 26, 2008