Chicago - A message from the station manager

The [Monday] Papers

By Steve Rhodes

Lori Lightfoot was sworn-in as mayor of Chicago today. Beachwood Labs sent over this special, on-scene report of the inauguration festivities:
* Ceremonial removal of a finger.
* The traditional transfer of fucks to give.
* The traditional transfer of the nuclear football containing the TIF codes.
* The traditional aldermanic perp walk.


* New aldermen sworn-in and read their rights.
* Rahm Emanuel dunk tank.
* Toni Preckwinkle dunk tank.
* Animatronic Paul Vallas.
* City’s schoolkids, patronage workers and prisoners begin repainting every sign in the city plastered with the mayor’s name.
* FBI reloads undercover recording equipment.
* Traditional transfer of “no comments” to new press office personnel.
* Transition training for use of batphones to Sneed, Spielman.
* Traditional transfer of keys to glass case where aldermen’s testicles and ovaries are kept.
* New aldermen sworn-in, testicles and ovaries removed in traditional ceremony, placed in glass case.
* Bears kicker tryouts.
* Cubs closer tryouts.
* Albany Park theater group re-enacts Ed Burke indictment.
* Rob Martwick dunk tank.
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Now, to the Beachwood vault . . .
This is really funny, people.


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Sound familiar?


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Dear America: Stop Hurting Us


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From the Beachwood vault . . .


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Present-day . . .


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I Am Pie
Thing I learned from Blair Kamin’s encomium to I.M. Pei:

Once, when I interviewed him, he brought up an unfavorable nickname for Chicago’s University Apartments, a pair of 10-story concrete slabs he’d placed in the middle of East 55th Street, unintentionally subjecting residents to pollution from passing cars.
The nickname of that early 1960s project: “Monoxide Alley.”


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Also:
“Significantly, Pei did not require princely budgets to make construction into art. A prime example is the prototype air traffic control towers he designed for the Federal Aviation Administration in the early 1960s. The O’Hare tower, the tallest of the bunch at 150 feet, combined the basic elements of the prototype – a topside cab, a shaft and a base building – into a thin, gracefully flaring form that anticipated a bell tower Pei would later design in Japan.”


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New on the Beachwood today . . .
City’s Youth Solves Problems
Civic engagement projects pretty cool.
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The Secret History Of News Corp
Rupert Murdoch media empire literally founded as propaganda outfit.
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BLKNWS
Make this real, please.
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Born Free Chicago
Former CSO chorus manager named CEO.
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Chicago Harmonica Meetup
Harp it up, y’all.
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Peoples Pipes Over Budget, Overdue
Yet, parent company calls Crain’s fake news.
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From the Beachwood Sports Desk . . .
The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour #252: Bulls Crap Out
Roll 7. Plus: Fear The Deer?; St. Louis Sucks; Tommy La Stella Is Doing Mike Trout-Like Things; Missing Ben Zobrist; The Unprecedented Nature Of Kris Bryant; and White Sox Still Better Than You Think.
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TrackNotes: The Immutable Constant
Lord knows he’s tried, but the honest man knows he’ll never truly control the horse.
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TrackNotes: A War Of Wills
Like a twisted stage mother whose tarted-up 6-year-old daughter was DQ’d from the Little Miss Pageant down at the Holiday Inn for traces of amphetamines, owner Gary West took his Maximum Security for extended pouting exile at Monmouth, over by Springsteen’s Shore . . .
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The White Sox Report: Extend Abreu
If and when that happens, we can stomach a few more games of TBD pitching for the White Sox.
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SportsMonday: Cutesy Cubbies Cruise
The Harry Caray Death Cult rolls on.
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ChicagoReddit

“Roller Boogie” at Faces, Rush Street, 1978 from r/chicago


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ChicagoGram


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ChicagoTube
Schism at the Open Air festival Sunday.

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BeachBook
Faith, Friendship And Tragedy At Santa Fe High School.

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Nazis Experimented On These Women. They Told The World Using Brilliant Code.

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As Suicides Rise, Insurers Find Ways To Deny Mental Health Coverage.

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Rahm Leaves Office, Legacy Secured.

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For Corporate Media, Space Belongs To Washington.

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I Oversaw The U.S. Nuclear Power Industry. Now I Think It Should Be Banned.

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Debunking ‘Performance-Related’ Pay For CEOs.

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Canadian Climate Change Study Forecasts More Erratic Conditions In Great Lakes.

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Google Has A Secret Page That Records All The Things You’ve Bought Online.

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Stop Hating Jeff Koons.

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Are These ‘Health Foods’ Really Good For You?

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TweetWood
A sampling.


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The Beachwood McRibTipLine: Make it so.

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Posted on May 20, 2019