By Steve Rhodes and Marty Gangler
1. You might see a no-hitter.
2. Now with less Darwin Barney!
3. Good value proposition: They will always play a bottom of the ninth at Wrigley Field.
4. Spite.
5. Wrigley Field safer than Montrose Beach.
6. Last chance to see your favorite Cub before he gets traded to a major-league team.
7. There’s always a chance of a Jeff Garlin sighting.
8. Last chance to see Amazing Illusionist Ricky Renteria spin everything in his World of Positivity Show before he retires to a Las Vegas residency.
9. Someone has to pick up the slack for Starlin Castro.
10. Edwin Jackson’s contract says you have to.
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The Week In Review: The Cubs lost two of three to the Padres and two of three to the Cardinals. They are an equal opportunity loser.
The Week In Preview: The Rockies come in for four to right their ship, then the Cubs go out to LA to face former Gold Glover Darwin Barney, who now has a chance to add a World Series ring to his trophy case. See, you don’t necessarily have to pitch yourself off the island, you can suck yourself off too.
Wrigley Is 100 Celebration: To honor the Cubs’ celebration, the Rockies will rack up 100 hits during their visit this week.
Mad Merch: Last Tuesday, the first 10,000 fans got a free Cubs wine tote. The best part of it was that after you were done drinking, you could just slip the tote over your head.
Prospects Are Suspects: David Kaplan, March 2012:
“Brett Jackson with a leadoff HR and Matt Szczur with a grand slam.”
Theo Epstein Condescension Meter: 10.
Cubs President Cries Foul About Cardinals Spending – And Winning – More Than Cubs Despite Being In A Much-Smaller Market.
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Meanwhile . . . “The business plan in St. Louis also copied the Wrigleyville blueprint, trying to recreate the rooftop experience . . . ”
So funny, because the Cubs’ business plan is to destroy the rooftop experience.
So Cub: Bumbling Defensive Play Is Cubs In A Nutshell.
I dunno, I think the Cubs in an nutshell is this. And nothing has changed except the fool driving the ship.
That’s Ricky: “First-year manager Rick Renteria knew he was getting into a tough situation when he signed on to help mentor the young Chicago Cubs, but he’s becoming increasingly more impressed with how his players are handling the consistent losing.”
I guess that’s what sets him apart from Dale Sveum.
Laughable Headline Of The Week: “Cubs Want Longer Outings From Edwin Jackson.”
Fans want shorter ones!
Billy Cub vs. Clark Cub: “Over the past three years, the Cubs have seemingly traded everyone but Clark the Cub, although I suspect he may be next.”
Advantage: Billy.
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Note to the author of that sentiment, though: Your grandma, like all of us, will be dead in the long run.
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Also: “Acquire young talent, let it develop and grow and when ready bring the talent up to the major league level. That’s it. Not too complicated, huh? That, however, takes time, something that Cubs fans seem to forget.”
A hundred years isn’t enough time? The Cubs only “threw money to cover up problems” (and by “cover up problems” I assume you mean “acquire players at positions of need”) for a couple brief years when Tribune Company handed their checkbook to Jim Hendry. If anything, spending money has never been given enough time to work!
Kubs Kulture: See “That’s Ricky.”
The Junior Lake Show: Drowned in a sea of Cub.
Mustache Wisdom: Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent.
Wishing Upon A Starlin: Rizzo And Castro Ready To Give Advice.
Oh god, no.
Ameritrade Stock Pick of the Week: Shares of gold gloves traded down this week but shares of common sense soared.
Jumbotron Preview: 5,700 square-feet of a priest walking a goat.
Kubs Kalender: Wait ’til next year 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020 2021.
Over/Under: Percent of non-endorsed Wrigley space by 2016: +/- 90.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that Tom Ricketts has no business running a baseball team.
The Cub Factor: Unlike Alfonso Soriano Starlin Castro, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: The Big Heart.
Fantasy Fix: Studs, Duds & A Cub.
The Beachwood Radio Sports Hour: Greg Maddux is not the Cubs’ to claim.
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Comments welcome.
Posted on July 29, 2014