By Julia Gray
1. Plaxico Burress.
I’d like to think that Mrs. Burress was a big fan of that dental mouthwash, Plax. Then she realized maybe just the name Plax would basically guarantee her son a lifetime of wedgies and dunce caps. So, she played around with prefixes and suffixes. Kerplax? Nope, sounds too much like a laxative. Herplax? Good God no. Sounds like a mutant form of herpes. Plaxman? Nah. Sounds like an alien porn star and not a future wide receiver for the New York Giants. After playing around with Scrabble letters and consulting several Ouija boards, they came up with Plaxico and the rest is history.
2. Coco Crisp.
The origins of this one are obvious. Or are they? Maybe it’s not about breakfast cereal at all. I heard his grandmother named him, so the story probably starts here. Either way, the Boston Red Sox now have one of the bestest named center fielders ever. And headline writers can’t get enough.
3. Anna Smashnova.
Does this qualify as an onomatopoeia? Or should we go the other direction, toward space phenomena? Either way, her parents showed prescient marketing brilliance, not just in the last name but using the first name to associate her with Anna Kournikova. And Anna Pistolesi isn’t bad either.
4. Peerless Price.
Quite literally, this name means he’s a steal. He can’t be beat. Or we’ll give him to you free.
5. D’Brickashaw Ferguson.
I imagine that his parents were enchanted by the romantic history of the rickshaw. They probably have an entire room in their house that’s festooned with all types of rickshaws. There are the life-size ones that a cousin brought over from Nam, along with a war bride. Then there are the “rickshaws-in-a-bottle” in all sizes that line the mantle underneath the “Keane Eyed Kid in a Rickshaw” painting that the Fergusons commissioned. Oh, I can’t forget the rickshaw-shaped piano. You get the idea. Like Plax, being named Rickshaw would guarantee a lifetime of torture and an eventual Church of Scientology membership. So, they jazzed it up by adding an apostrophe, a few more consonants and a vowel and now D’Brickashaw is living it up with the New York Jets’ offensive line.
6. Boof Bonser.
I wonder if he’ll consider the world of adult films when his baseball career is over. Or maybe he’ll become a dog.
7. Frostee Rucker.
Also a possible porn career ahead of him.
8. Cato June. Married to Miss June. But actually named after The Cato Institute. His parents were strict libertarians.
9. Booger McFarland.
Sure his real name is Anthony, but we’re going to bend the rules. As an homage.
10. Razor Shines.
Also a possibly decent band name, with the classic metal combo of hard and soft. Unfortunately, the White Sox just fired him.
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Comments? Send them along.
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1. From Eric Emery:
Have you considered that Boof gave himself the name? Can one do that and still be considered great? It’s kind of like when George Costanza tried to give himself the nickname “T-Bone.”
Posted on October 16, 2007