By Marty Gangler:
Another lost Cubs season, another poorly constructed team. What was Jim Hendry thinking? We here at The Cub Factor drove out to Hendry’s palatial estate to find out. Hendry wasn’t there, but the source of the problem became clear as we nosed around the grounds.
Hendry’s Home: Sources told The Cub Factor that for a long time the front door led right into the basement. Then that door was replaced with a bunch of other front doors but you really just need one, so it got kind of confusing. And while some doors led to an upstairs bedroom and others led to someone else’s house, they all eventually lead to fourth place.
Hendry’s Rowboat: We found it in the garage, up on blocks. The boat itself is made out of really expensive wood, but the paddles are missing the “paddle” part. So they are like just long sticks with holes in them, and when you row you don’t go anywhere. Plus, Hendry insisted they be left-handed, even though that doesn’t make them any better.
Hendry’s Car: It looks good on the outside but a little investigating reveals that it’s filled with used parts and the wiring is all wrong. You turn on the windshield wipers and the horn goes off, and you have to hit the button for the back passenger side window to change the radio station. Amazingly, Piniella used to have the quirks down cold so he’d take Hendry out for nice, long drives, but Lou is losing his memory and has gotten too old to drive. The car also has a steering wheel but it’s not attached to anything.
Hendry’s Backyard Barbecue Grill: Always one to take shortcuts, we found a microwave in the middle of the barbecue pit. Everyone knows a microwave is convenient, and Hendry spent a lot of money on a microwave bigger than a real grill. But sources close to the microwave tell us that this particular model doesn’t cook any faster than a grill. But Hendry can’t return it because he bought it third-hand and never got a receipt.
–
Week in Review: The Cubs dropped two of three to the Washington Generals and took two of three from the New York Mets’ AAA affiliate.
Week in Preview: The Astros come in for three and then the Sox drive over to Wrigley for a one game make-up before the Cubs go to New York to face the Mets. In this week’s player preview, Carlos Zambrano sees his therapist on Tuesday, Milton Bradley sees his on Wednesday, Lou Piniella sees his on Thursday, and group is on Friday.
The Second Basemen Report: Mike Fontenot got four starts this week because Jeff Baker is hitting too well to get too many consecutive at-bats under Piniella’s system. True, Baker was slated to start at third on Saturday until he took a ground ball off of his little finger during batting practice, but that only makes the situation even more pathetic. And all we can say about Fontenot is this: The nice thing about being so little is that it doesn’t take much to hit your weight. Just like Jim Hendry drew it up.
In former second basemen news, Ronny Cedeno will be out at least until Tuesday with a fractured pinky.
The Zam Bomb: Why can’t his emotions be lazy? He is still furious.
–
Lost in Translation: “Fukuwho?” is Japanese for “Nobody even pays attention to you anymore.”
Endorsement No-Brainer: Lou Pinella for Florida. It’s where everyone should retire.
Milton Bradley Game of the Week: M&M’s Get Out of Town Game.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 45% sweet, 55% sour. Lou stands pat once again as the season drifts past an old man. And just like you real crazy drunk uncle, there was a time when Uncle Lou would get out there and throw horseshoes in the family horseshoe tourney and really light it up. But these days with his bad back and feeling sorry for himself he’d rather just sit around with Aunt Gladys and listen to her tell the same story over and over again. She’s kind of losing it, but Lou doesn’t care. He’s not even listening.
Don’t Hassle the Hoff: Micah Hoffpauir became Iowa’s all-time RBI leader over the weekend. No wonder he doesn’t fit into the Cubs’ plans.
Over/Under: Number of these Over/Unders that are Overs: =/- 5.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that the Bradley deal is even worse than the Soriano deal.
The Mount Lou Alert System: Geologists once afraid to tread on the volcanic surface of Mount Lou are now sending out expedition teams to study how the once molten surface mutated into a big pile of dirt.
–
Contact The Cub Factor!
Posted on August 31, 2009