By Marty Gangler
If nothing else this week, the Cubs proved that there is nothing to worry about – that is how I started last week’s Cub Factor. Well, what a difference a week can make. Because if nothing else, the Cubs proved there are plenty of things to worry about. They don’t have to worry about getting stuck with Dusty Baker through a goofy rule change or be concerned with Ted Lilly making a birdhouse over at Koyie Hill’s woodshop, but they should start to worry about people taking turns on the disabled list and forgetting how to play anything close to winning baseball. Those are pretty big things to worry about.
It’s time to bring in a slumpbuster.
Now, we’re not condoning the slumpbusters of yore. This is a family website.
But there are plenty of other clubhouse rituals available to break this team out of its doldrums.
1. Steroids. After all, they don’t test everyone, do they? It’d be worth losing one or two guys to a suspension to get everyone else pumped up.
2. Sign free agents Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa.
3. Noted magician Ryan Dempster could make Derrek Lee disappear so Micah Hoffpauir gets more playing time.
4. Lou Piniella could order a Code Red on Milton Bradley.
5. Geovany Soto could be put on the Valerie Bertinelli diet.
6. “Jim Hendry to the white courtesy phone. Your flight is leaving.”
7. The Cubs could apply to the American League so it could use Hoffpauir or minor-league sensation-without-a-position Jake Fox as a DH.
8. Sacrifice a yuppie before tonight’s game.
9. The iPhone slumpbusting app.
10. More Falstaff in Lou’s cooler.
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Week in Review: Things got so bad while the Cubs were getting swept on the road by both the Cardinals and the Padres that Alfonso Soriano volunteered to play second base and Reed Johnson found himself batting cleanup when the team got home to face Pittsburgh.
Week in Preview: The Cubs stay home all week to finish up a three-game set with the Pirates and host four against the Dodgers, who are still without Manny Ramirez. It’s a bad sign that the Cubs are missing their Ramirez more.
The Second Basemen Report: Another week with three starting second basemen over seven games, with Aaron Miles and Mike Fontenot each getting three starts each and Bobby “Hill” Scales getting one. With Ryan Freel starting to see playing time and Soriano jonesing to get back to the infield, The Second Basemen Report’s dreams may soon come true.
In former second basemen news, Mark DeRosa has his average up to .261 and Ronnie Cedeno has his up to .188. They are both also capable of playing third base, and and they are both missed.
The Zam Bomb: Losing makes Big Z furious. So he moves to furious.
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Endorsement No-Brainer: The Cubs for the Swivel Sweeper. The Padres and Cards love theirs!
Lost In Translation: Hari kari is Japanese for “Milton Bradley is killing this team.”
Milton Bradley Game of the Week: Lucky Ducks. Because you’re a Lucky Duck to make $10 million for hitting .200 and acting like an ass.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 49% Sweet, 51% Sour. Lou is down a big six points on the Sweet-O-Meter. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou is trying to drink away the pain.
Don’t Hassle the Hoff: Not a great week for the Hoff but he still has more RBI’s than Milton Bradley, so don’t hassle him.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that you can’t make the playoffs with Reed Johnson as your clean-up hitter and Milton Bradley as your ump-baiter.
Over/Under: Number of games Bradley will be suspended for by season’s end : +/- 6.
The Cub Factor: Unlike Soriano, you can catch ’em all!
The White Sox Report: Now with a weekly Cubs Snub.
Mount Lou: Mount Lou is going to f’n blow.
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Posted on May 26, 2009