By Marty Gangler
The collapse is on! What, did you really think this was gonna be the year? Just arrive on Planet Earth? We here at The Cub Factor have consulted our auxiliary Curses and Plagues Affairs Desk and this is what we have to look forward to down the stretch.
* Lou Piniella and Matt Sinatro find the ballpark just fine but Mark DeRosa gets lost because Ryan Dempster gave him a joke map.
* Kosuke Fukudome makes it to the park just fine.
* Mark DeRosa gets an emergency pitching start and comes up with a dead arm.
* Kerry Wood strains an oblique laughing at Ryan Dempster’s Harry Caray impression.
* The Cubs re-sign Jacques Jones.
* A scope of Rich Harden’s right arm shows that it’s actually made of paper mache.
* The Cubs finally make that Brian Roberts trade.
* The Cubs mark 100 years of futility in a very Cubbie way.
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Week in Review: The Cubs were swept at home by the Astros and lost two of three to the Dusty Baker’s lowly Reds. Worst. Week. Ever.
Week in Preview: The Cubs get a day off Monday and then head to St. Louis for three and to Houston for three more. I mean, seriously, they need to win a few of these games.
The Second Basemen Report: Six games, one win, five losses, three second basemen – you do the math. Yeah, do the math and let me know what it means, because I don’t. DeRosa started four with Cedeno and Fontenot each getting one.
In former second basemen news, Glenn Beckert-signed baseballs go for around 70 bucks. He is missed.
The Zam Bomb: Big Z no like MRIs. Big Z is furious.
Endorsement No-Brainer: Mark DeRosa for All-Purpose 409.
Lost in Translation: Domo Benchogato is Japanese for “where’s Kosuke?”
Sweet and Sour Lou: 60% sweet, 40% sour. Lou is down a whopping 9 points on the Sweet-O-Meter because he don’t read maps so good no more. And like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou doesn’t know what to tell the neighbors after you didn’t walk their dog while they were on vacation. But he knows he’s not cleaning up all this shit. And he’s gonna let you know he knows just as soon as you get him a cold Falstaff.
Center Stage: J-Ed got four starts and R-Jo got two. With K-Fu domo benchogato, look for R-Jo to get some starts in right, along with D-Ro and M-Ho.
The Cub Factor: Catch up with them all.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that curses don’t just go away because it’s some big anniversary and you spend a lot of money.
Over/Under: The number of times the curse will be mentioned in media outlets the remainder of the season: +/- 100 times a day.
Mount Lou: Lou jumps to orange this week due to shitty baseball and pitchers with bad arms. The once calm surface of Mount Lou is beginning to boil once again. Expect an anger eruption by Wednesday. A frustration cloud of soot can already be seen from miles away.
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Posted on September 8, 2008