By Marty Gangler
Last week we likened the 2007 Cubs to the remake of the horror classic Halloween, but this week we think we’ve been thinking about the rollercoaster they’re going to build at Great America in Gurnee called The 2007 Cubs. Featuring:
The Soriano Slinger: Your car immediately climbs the most expensive section of track to its highest point and then sends you careening toward Earth, which is a thrill but seems a bit early for such dramatics. Park engineers are still debating whether to move this segment to the middle of the ride.
Ryan’s Runway: This is the old-fashioned part of the track that scrapes and scratches its way into position for the big arcs and loops that follow. Traditionally, this would be the start of the ride.
The Derrek Loop-Lee-Loop: This part of the ride is really well-oiled but only has enough power to barely get the cars through the loop.
The Michael Barrett Barrell Roll: This portion of the ride has been removed.
Carlos’s Corkscrew: This is a central section of the ride, yet it makes most customers uncomfortable. Suddenly they question God, worry about the coaster’s mechanics, and wonder whether the rumors of angry ghosts in this part of the park are true.
Mark Prior’s Mountain: This part of the ride is in the shop.
Woody’s Curve: This portion of the ride is extremely vulnerable, held together with baling wire and duct tape. Which makes it all the more thrilling. Regulators, however, might shut it down.
Dempster’s Dumpster: The end of the ride is bumpy and often results in customers throwing up.
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Week in Review: In very un-Cublike fashion, the home team took four of five from the Cardinals and knocked them out of the race. The Cubs also took two of three from the Astros. If the Cubs win the Central division, they may be invited to play in the big leagues next year.
Week in Preview: Last homestand of the regular season with three against the Reds and three against the Pirates.
Second Basemen Report: Mark DeRosa started six of eight at second with Mike Fontenot starting the other two. Maybe we’ll see Steve Trachsel or Sam Fuld there down the stretch. Just like Jim Hendry drew it up.
In former second basemen news, Jeff Blauser managed the Double-A Mississippi Braves in 2006. He is missed.
Big Z: Bomb squads stay on alert as the wick remains at Getting Angry.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 70% sweet and 30% sour. Lou is up six points on the Sweet-O-Meter. And just like your real crazy drunk uncle, Lou is happy you finished up your GED and got your life moving in the right direction, but keep it up! Don’t throw it all away like Uncle Pete on fast women and slow horses.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that Carlos Zambrano is likely to end his career by putting his fist in a wall.
Over/Under: Amount of “experts” who took the Brewers and then the Cubs and then the Brewers and then the Cubs again to win the division: +/- all of them.
Cubs Fans Theme Song: “Please Stop Believin’”
The Cubs Answer Men: Preparing you for October.
The Cub Factor: Catch up with them all.
Mount Lou: Even though the Cubs had a good week Mount Lou stays at level Orange. Mount Lou could erupt at any minute now if he feels that anger lava will light a fire for a win. Even winning a big game could set Lou off, emotional magma very close to the surface.
Posted on September 17, 2007