By Marty Gangler
Seeing as how the Cubs only had three games this week due to the All-Star break, it’s kind of difficult to come up with a complete Cub Factor – there’s just not that much to factor this week – so I would like to submit to you good readers a Field Trip to Wrigley Field Report. I attended the July 13th game against the Houston Astros, and on the way into the park a guy behind me uttered these words to his buddies: “What you are about to witness, gentlemen, is baseball played the way God intended it to be played.”
This got me thinking. So if there really is a God – and, c’mon, everyone is still kind of guessing about that – He intended baseball to be played at Wrigley Field and in particular against the Houston Astros? I find that a little hard to believe, plus the God part is hard to believe in general but let’s just tackle one issue at a time here. If this is true, and let’s believe in God here for a few minutes just for fun, then I have a couple questions to ask about God. (And just for the sake of this exercise, we’ll say God is a “He.” Just for the sake of the exercise.)
1. God likes old, run-down baseball parks? Wouldn’t God like newer things? I mean, He’s seen it all and I would think that He would like invention and modern amenities.
2. Does God really like paying $5 for an Old Style? That’s not the kind of God I could worship any time soon.
3. God likes bumbling, losing baseball? Doesn’t God like to win?
4. God likes yellow patchy grass? That’s not the way he made it! Or is God such a big Police fan that he doesn’t care how much they ruined the field? And what do you think God thinks of Sting’s solo material? He can’t approve of that, can He?
5. God enjoys Carlos Zambrano thanking him after every inning? You have to think that God gets it, right? Does He need to be thanked all the time? If He is truly in our image He would get annoyed with being thanked all the time. One would think that God would be like, “Hey Carlos, I get it, you’re thankful. But once a game is plenty, dude. Now go strike out Biggio again and let me eat my hot dog in peace, I got a lot going on.”
6. God likes it when guys have to pee into troughs? There’s no way God thinks this is acceptable.
7. God likes traffic congestion and parking issues? You have to think God is really annoyed with how many times “God Dammit!” is uttered over parking tickets, traffic congestion, three-mile walks to and from the car, and getting towed around Wrigley Field.
8. God likes Jim Belushi? Was this some sort of deal with the Devil? There’s no way God enjoyed Belushi’s antics throwing out the first pitch and singing the 7th-inning stretch. Even World According to Jim is a crime against nature, aka God.
So all in all, God probably did not intend to have baseball be played like it was on Friday. Let’s let God speak for Himself from now on.
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Posted on July 16, 2007