By Marty Gangler
You would think that after close to 100 years of losing on the North Side, Cubs fans would have learned a few lessons by now. For example: Don’t get sucked in by a modest display of decent baseball apparently sparked by an event – such as a fight and an ejection – rather than actual solutions applied to the makeup of the team. Yes, the Cubs had a decent week. And yes, Milwaukee can’t beat a T-Ball team right now. So has this team really pulled it together? Did Uncle Lou the mad scientist finally find the secret formula for winning? And could that formula include a four-man platoon – a quadtoon, if you will – in right field? We here at The Cub Factor are going to say No. A glimmer of hope is just that – a glimmer. That means there’s still a whole lot of darkness. Don’t look at the light, people. It will hurt your eyes, damage your brain, and break your heart.
Let’s take a look at other life situations where a glimmer of hope can cause dire consequences.
Situation: Your girlfriend breaks up with you and you are devastated, but then one evening she drunkenly hits your number on her speed dial by accident and hangs up once she realizes her mistake.
Consequence: You latch on to that glimmer of hope – she still has your phone number and she used it one night, even if she hung up. You spend the next two months calling her, “accidentally” bumping into her at the health club, sending her flowers, and generally acting the fool because you allowed yourself to believe what you knew wasn’t really true. Her mistake was just a reminder to her to replace you on speed dial with that new rich guy she’s been seeing.
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Situation: Your boss hints that a promotion is up for grabs to whoever shows him that they “want” it, although the company has already planned to bring someone in from the outside, as usual.
Consequence: For three months you come in to work early, leave late, bust your ass, manage multiple projects to completion, work extra hours at home, and get nothing to show for it besides a reprimand for not knowing how to turn the alarm off when you came in early on a Saturday morning. All because false hope triumphed over actual experience.
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Situation: Your perpetually bad favorite baseball team plays nearly one week of good baseball and then tanks the rest of the season.
Consequence: You log on to stubhub.com and buy tickets at incredibly inflated prices for a couple games, decide that getting that authentic Theriot jersey is a good idea, and start chest thumping in the office to Sox fans that they are the ones in trouble. But once the Cubs are in the crapper again you are out 500 bucks and look like an idiot wearing a jersey for a shortstop with the range of a second baseman.
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Week in Review: The Cubs went 4-3, taking two of three from the Brewers and splitting a four-game set with the Braves. A good week against two of the better teams in the National League. If someone were trapped in a well for the first two months of the season they would think the Cubs are pretty good. But c’mon we aren’t trapped in a well, as much as we’d like to be.
Week in Preview: The Cubs come home for a make-up game against the ‘Stros and then three game series’ against the Mariners and Padres. You know, “make-up” is a funny word. It’s used to describe a game that has been cancelled and has to be played again and also cosmetic products that make people look better than they actually are – kinda like last week with the Cubs.
Second Baseman Report: The Cub Factor would like to welcome Mike Fontenot to second base. So if you’re scoring at home, if there is a game where DeRosa plays third, Theriot plays short, and Fontenot plays second, we’ll have three second baseman in the infield at one time. Just like Jim Hendry drew it up.
In former second baseman news, Ramon Martinez is now a Dodger currently on the DL with a lower back ailment. This season Ramon has appeared in 26 games and is batting .153. He is missed.
Sweet and Sour Lou: 62% sweet and 38% sour. Lou is up an astounding 30 points on the Sweet-O-Meter. Like your real crazy old uncle, Lou feels better after getting some things off his chest, like how Aunt June nags about him not wearing socks and how Uncle Charlie is a cheap bastard who never buys his own beer. Lou also appreciated some time away from his family to decompress; he went to the track. The family was also happy to see him go. It’ll take a while for things to reach the boiling point again because everyone is being so polite right now, but eventually the same-old same-old will fall into place.
Beachwood Sabermetrics: A complex algorithm performed by the The Cub Factor staff using all historical data made available by Major League Baseball has determined that Alfonso Soriano is worth his huge contract – this week.
Over/Under: Use of the phrase “it’s all coming together” this week at Wrigley Field: +/- 25,685.
The Cub Factor: Catch up with them all.
Mount Lou: Lou has moved to Green after his orchestrated eruption and subsequent suspension-related cooling period. Expect little to no magmic activity this week as the media takes a break from exploring pressure points. This is not to say Mount Lou has gone dormant, no. Mount Lou is still an active force of nature not to be taken lightly.
Posted on June 11, 2007