By Eric Emery
I have now seen two Bears games at Soldier Field and I can report that the crowd there adopts the worst attributes of Chicago’s baseball crowds – the Cubs’ fans tendency of being drunk and inattentive to the game, and the Sox fans tendency toward conflict and violence. Here are some “Do’s and Dont’s” the Soldier Field crowd should learn.
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* Do start crowd cheers. Example: Let’s Go Bears! Let’s Go Bears!
* Don’t start cheers with shoehorned syllables. Example: Here We Go BBBEEEAAARRRSSS Here We Go! Bad cheer structure decreases enthusiasm.
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* Do tip your beer vendors, especially if you sit in the middle of the aisle.
* Don’t tip your beer vendors with change, no matter how deep the recession goes.
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* Do tip your beer vendor double if you sit in the middle of the aisle and you want one beer and you pay with a $100 bill.
* Don’t tip your beer vendor half because you intend to pour your beer over yourself instead of drinking it.
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* Do tip your beer vendor triple if the vendor accidentally drops the $100 bill and has to run down 12 rows to retrieve it, and the crowd is totally on the vendor’s side.
* Don’t tip your beer vendor triple if he assumes the whole $100 is for him because you are such a great tipper.
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* Do talk to all the fans around you.
* Don’t let them hear you trying to impress your girlfriend with all sorts of nonsense stats and strategy explication.
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* Do cheer your team’s successes.
* Don’t take credit for those successes.
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* Don’t talk to the young woman accompanied by her mom and ask the young woman on a date.
* Do slip your e-mail addy into her pocket when ma and pa aren’t looking.
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* Do smuggle booze into the game.
* Don’t smuggle smack into the game.
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* Do put your arm around you significant other and try to keep her warm.
* Don’t accidentally put your arm around someone else’s significant and try to keep her warm just beause she vaguely resembles your girlfriend after a couple of beers.
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Packers at Bears
Storyline: Hey! These teams hate each other! It doesn’t matter that Green Bay is out of the playoffs, and the Bears are nearly out! Cue the old school pictures!
Reality: Hey, don’t take your frustrations out on each other! It will not help the fact that the Vikings will win the division!
Prediction: Bears Minus 4, Over 41 Points Scored
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Sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 40%
Recommended sugar in the Blue & Orange Kool-Aid: 20%
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Last week’s picks: 0-4-2
For the season: 35-25-6
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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. You can send him love letters and hate mail and he will respond graciously.
Posted on December 19, 2008