By Eric Emery
On Sunday the Tribune published a story called “How to Make Chicago Better.” Assuming that the Trib failed to assert that Jim Belushi and John Cusack should stop being the unofficial spokesmen for our city, I didn’t bother reading it. I’m also guessing the Bears weren’t mentioned. But they should have been, given the integral role the team plays in the city’s psyche. So we’ll go where the Trib didn’t – we call this How To Make The Chicago Bears Better.
1. The city council passes an ordinance prohibiting Brian Urlacher from making commercial endorsements until:
A) The Bears make the playoffs
B) The Bears have a top 5 defense
C) Urlacher follows own advice and begins to “do-well”
2. The city council passes an ordinance prohibiting Robbie Gould from making commercial endorsements. Ever.
3. The city council passes an ordinance prohibiting anyone except Kyle Orton from wearing a neck beard. It is the source of his power, but not ours.
4. The Bears hire an acting coach or a plastic surgeon to remove the lost and clueless look from Rex Grossman’s face. His new look: “I’m an NFL quarterback.”
5. The Bears hire an acting coach or a plastic surgeon to remove the “everything is going to be alright” look from Lovie Smith’s face. His new look: “Everything will not be alright if you don’t get your ass in gear.”
6. The city council passes an ordinance prohibiting further use of “The Monsters of the Midway.” It hasn’t made sense for years. The Monsters of Midway Airport? That’s what it always makes me think of. And then I think about long lines, poor on-time performance, and crappy, overpriced food. Just like Soldier Field.
7. The city council passes an ordinance requiring the Bears to acquire a star quarterback, even if it requires illegal means to do so. But don’t let City Hall help or we’ll end up with a Daley or Stroger under center.
8. The city council passes an ordinance prohibiting the phrases “1985 Bears” and “Super Bowl Shuffle” from ever being uttered again within city limits or on national broadcasts. Instead, citizens must use the phrases “Rashaan Salaam,” “Curtis Enis,” or “Cedric Benson” when they get the urge to discuss the Bears’ great legacy.
9. Outsource hiring for the offensive line to an executive search firm.
10. The State of Illinois acquires Wisconsin. Meet your Chicago Packers!
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Buccaneers at Bears
Storyline: Brian Griese returns to Chicago looking for revenge. How will he fare against the Tampa-2? This game will be won in the trenches. And maybe on special teams.
Reality: Kyle Orton faces the quarterback who couldn’t beat out Rex Grossman but could beat out Jeff Garcia. How will Orton fare against the Tampa-2? This game will be won the by the best quarterback.
Prediction: Bears Minus 3 points, Under 35.5 Points Scored
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Amount of Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 55%
Recommended Sugar in the Blue and Orange Kool-Aid: 35%
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Over/Under: Ask Tony Kornheiser!
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Eric Emery grew up in small-town Illinois but has an irrational love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every week he writes The Blue & Orange Kool-Aid Report and Over/Under. You can send him love letters and hate mail and he will respond graciously.
Posted on September 19, 2008